Parting Glances: Yes, and Viagra’s still $20 a pop

By | 2017-01-01T09:00:00-05:00 January 1st, 2017|Uncategorized|

Ann Landers advised, “If you don’t use it you lose it.” She may have been referring to sex as well as the vote. (Diddle in the parlor. Get screwed at the polls.)
While my own sex life is an open book (with many blank pages) that “certain urge” comes and goes with alarming regularity. (Daylight saving time has nothing to do with it.)
If I may use the cell phone as a metaphor: Instead of getting rousing bars of Stars and Stripes Forever, I get a low-grade hummer in the pocket of my fleece-lined parka (or elsewhere, depending upon handheld placement).
But at my age I’m grateful for the slightest tremor. It means I’m alive and healthy. And God knows, I work at being both. Sometimes a little over- indulgently, I might add.
For years now I’ve been taking a daily tablespoon of cod liver oil. Although it’s available in orange and mint flavors, I drink it full swim from the bottle. Ugh! you say. Maybe so; but I can’t recall the last time I had a cold (and fly casting has somehow become a favorite pastime of mine.)
I take a fistful of vitamins with each meal, and while I may have the most expense urine in my apartment complex (a survey will soon be undertaken) my energy remains high, and I sleep well. (Instead of sheep I count on Two-A-Day capsules.)
I also follow a daily exercise routine. Each morning I touch my toes 50 times, do right and left high kicks 35 times, and arm crossovers, 100 a set. (I may not score these days, but I sure do remember how.)
While I’ve often confessed my foibles in this column, I still have one or two up my sweatshirt sleeve. (Years ago, a perceptive coworker – bless her heart called them my “idiocraties.”) Here’s two more, flagged Stay Young Forever.
For sometime, now, I’ve been taking the Human Growth Hormone (HGH) and also a “combination of ingredients” in tablet form to improve my “staying power.” Both apparently have done the trick for me.
I’ve been told recently that I’m reasonably human (for a change), and I’m now able to stay put in the outback of nightlife until closing time. (Being sober and seated helps.) I’ve yet to grow back my hair, reduce my waistline, or hang ten but that’s neither here nor there.
Of course it’s all a grand illusion, designed to deplete the old pocketbook. Nonetheless it makes me feel good, and I’m not alone in my pursuit of the elusive soda fountain of youth. There are hundreds crowding at the counter for a cherry coke or a banana split.
Or, so I recently chanced to discover while channel surfing on to a group of glamorous well-buffed guys and big- bosomed gals. They were talking coyly and seductively about “enhancement,” “partner pleasing,” and “measuring up” to “full performance.”
It was a soft-core come-on for a combination of assorted “time-tested” aphrodisiac ingredients in financially convenient tablet form. What amazed me is that these studdabubbas would need anything to rake their coals or get their ashes hauled. (And when was the last time you had a niacin flush?)
One hopes they’re registered to vote.

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BTL Staff
Between The Lines has been publishing LGBTQ-related content in Southeast Michigan since the early '90s. This year marks the publication's 25th anniversary.