Pronoun Pressure: Navigating Identity in a World Full of Boxes

For Josef Greenberg, they realized they were making things easier for everyone but themself

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Published: August 23, 2024 | Last Updated: August 23, 2024

Because of my profession in communication, pronouns are a necessary evil.

I consider myself transmasculine and uncomfortable with she/her pronouns. And even as someone who cut my teeth in newsrooms, the "they" debate by some journalists — that they is too imprecise and confusing for people to grasp as a pronoun — is tired and fruitless. I won’t entertain it, and promise “they” works if you can manage to suspend disbelief.

Recently, I tried he/him pronouns on for size, and they didn’t fit. Of course, I came to this realization after I made a big splash at work announcing my name and pronouns to great pomp and circumstance. Backing out and reclaiming a different set of descriptors has been a bit like rolling through molasses and a lot like relief.

The first time I was asked about my pronouns in a professional setting was a year ago during an emergency response drill in northern Michigan. Press was present for the exercise, and a reporter whom I deeply admired pulled me aside and asked what pronouns I was going by. The question surprised me as I had not given it much thought before that moment.

“They/them works,” I told him. “When all else fails, just say my name. I promise I’ll answer.”

This marked the first of many hilarious and uncomfortable conversations, with colleagues and friends. I found myself stumbling over my words, confused by how I could be so disoriented discussing … myself.

First dates turned into Achilles’ heels. One woman I was anxious to impress somehow sat through my blathering about the politics of pronouns, along with a five-minute post-dinner voicemail justifying my struggle, before texting me the next morning to say she was going to pass on a second date.

Looking back, who could blame her? There’s something really unattractive about indecisiveness. In all honesty, a lot of things tanked the date. But still. Not knowing one’s self is an obvious red flag, even if it’s me I’m talking about. As they say, it’s not a good look, babe.

Assigned female at birth, I have always felt agender, without gender. But because I present as transmasculine — the longer I am on T, the more that will continue to shine — I also began to think he/him pronouns would be easier on everyone involved.
Josef Greenberg

I learned early in my professional career that pronoun politics are fierce — and fluid.

At the beginning of my friendship with the late transgender author and pronoun pioneer Leslie Feinberg, I asked Leslie for their preferred pronouns. Leslie told me to use hir and sie, but that when it came down to it, none of these really mattered.

This sentiment was echoed by Leslie’s widow, author and activist Minnie Bruce Pratt, when she released a statement after Leslie’s death. "She preferred to use the pronouns she/zie and her/hir for herself, but also said: 'I care which pronoun is used, but people have been respectful to me with the wrong pronoun and disrespectful with the right one. It matters whether someone is using the pronoun as a bigot, or if they are trying to demonstrate respect.'"

Leslie’s words continue to resonate deep within me. And historically have given me great pause when pinned to declare a pronoun.

Recently, a quote I gave to a newspaper was widely misinterpreted because it used the "they" pronoun in a way that lacked specificity. The sentence structure allowed it to be read as either a personal pronoun or the organization I was representing. It forced my needle, and I temporarily chose he/him pronouns for professional reasons. But I felt too much of my life remains under construction, and for now he/him pronouns don’t capture all those complexities. For now, those assumptions and interpretations belong solely to me.

And my personal life is complex. I recently started to use testosterone in an effort to align my body and mind, while chopping away at body dysphoria. Assigned female at birth, I have always felt agender, without gender. But because I present as transmasculine — the longer I am on T, the more that will continue to shine — I also began to think he/him pronouns would be easier on everyone involved.

But again, I was caught up in making things easier for everyone but myself.

Boxes have never served me well. And pronouns feel perilously adjacent to that space. So I am leaning into fluidity. I’m realizing it’s all a process, but this is my process. I simply hope journalists, family and friends will do their best to respect my wishes and use descriptors that make sense to me.

Or better yet, no pronoun at all. You can just call me by my name.