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Real love is good for your heart

BY SHARON GITTLEMAN
"10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love," Joe Kort
ROYAL OAK – While you don't need a love match with the person of your dreams to lead a healthy life, an unhappy relationship can be toxic.
Depression, unsafe sexual behaviors and anger-related ailments are just a few of the unintended consequences of a troubled romantic life, said Royal Oak psychotherapist Joe Kort, author of "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love," (Alyson Books 2005).
"You start to feel isolated from your partner. Resentment and anger build. Then you start going outside the relationship to meet your needs," he said. "People who live with unresolved anger live shorter lives. If you suppress strong feelings you're definitely more susceptible to medical problems."
Infrequent sex is another big problem.
"I tell couples you have to keep the three of you healthy – you, yourself and your relationship," he said. "If you're not keeping yourself healthy, that will affect the relationship because you're communicating to your partner, 'I don't care about myself.'"
Good relationships include companionship, mutual respect, unconditional giving, accountability to each other and continuity between words and deeds, Kort said.
"A healthy relationship doesn't have criticism," he said. "Criticism kills love."
While criticism is a big love don't, open and honest communication is a must, said Kort.
So what do you do when your partner is driving you crazy?
"The next step isn't to say, 'here's what bothers me about you.' You say, 'here's what I think bothers you about me,'" said Kort. "Then say, 'I'd like to talk to you about my frustrations about you.'"
If your partner gets sarcastic or hostile in response, you should stand up for yourself, without responding in kind, he said. You might say something like, "That's abusive. I don't accept that."
If one-on-one efforts to correct a problem don't work, Kort suggests you seek help from a clergy person or counselor, even if you have to go alone.
Sometimes couples slide into a bad zone without noticing they're on the way to disaster.
Actions like talking to your partner in a thoughtless or disrespectful manner, not taking responsibility for your own relationship mistakes and refusing to fulfill your promises to your mate are a few of the mistakes that can set your romantic life on the road to ruin, said Kort.
"Little things are what start to break up relationships," he said. "They stop trusting you and counting on you."
If you find yourself alone, you don't have to be miserable.

"You need a sense of belonging," he said. "People in relationships have a sense of belonging – they have a sense of purpose. When you're single, you have to create those things."
Volunteer and church activities, good friends and even Internet chats can help you overcome isolation.
"We're lucky as gays and lesbians that there's a constant need for activism," he said. "There's always help needed to get you out of your house. There's not one organization that will turn you away."

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