By Anthony Paull
Don’t you love celebrating birthdays when you’re not the one getting older? Well, I do. In fact, it’s my new, favorite hobby. Why? Well, I’ve come to learn that birthdays always end with a bang, particularly when it pertains to my sexy, single friends, who refuse to end the night without blowing out their candles, along with every eligible man in the room.
What? What? What? Did I say that out loud? Well, good! Now that I’ve got your attention, let’s talk about this. Why is it we have the innate need to bonk someone on our birthdays? Is a sperm bath the new fountain of youth? Is drowning one’s misery in a hot, one-night stand the safest way to feel viable and sexy, even if you are one year older? And pray tell: to what lengths will one blow – I mean go – to get great, birthday sex?
“Bitch, quit asking questions and drink!” my friend, Willie Boy, tells me as I attempt to keep down my dinner, which isn’t mixing well with the Mexican beer in my hand. Still, I drink. After all, it’s Willie Boy’s 30th birthday, and he refuses to be the only drunk in the bar. “I’s needs me’s to get laid!” he coughs in my ear. Then before I can respond, my grammar-challenged friend teeters toward the DJ to request Prince.
“Who?” the shirtless DJ asks. Such a cold response seems to age Willie Boy, but no problem. To appease the birthday boy, the DJ locates “1999” – and the night is on!
Yes, imagine Willie Boy, blonde with a George Michael beard, on the dance floor. There he goes, gyrating those hips like Prince and throwing up his bony legs like Cher. And oh, if that bitch could turn back time, I’m certain he would! But no! It’s his birthday. He’s another year older, but certainly not wiser.
You see, Willie Boy, glassy-eyed with a drunken slur, finds sex. Or maybe it finds him. Who knows? All I know is I’m pushed aside like chopped freaking liver while he works his magic. An hour later, Willie Boy finds his way to the home of a college student, 10 years his junior.
Now, I know you’re all thinking: SCORE! Go Willie Boy! Stick your prick in the fountain of youth and maybe you’ll clean off the cobwebs. This is all good and true. But what you and Willie Boy forget is with youth comes stamina, endurance and a race you might not be able to run.
But, Willie Boy’s up to challenge! Yes, picture him buck-naked at the home of his conquest, kicking away beer cans while he maneuvers his way through the dark, smelly house, where beads hang in lieu of doors. Soon, he’s flat on his back, wanting Mr. College to wish him a happy birthday, wanting him to say something nice. Oh, how sexy you are! Oh, how young you are! Basically, he wants the guy to work for it. But what he seems to forget is college guys aren’t looking for romance or a challenge. Rather, they’re on the prowl for immediate gratification, known as pure, carnal sex. Suddenly, Mr. College is on him, in him. Without missing a beat, Willie’s ass is on fire.
“Dude, it felt like a shuttle launch up there!” he cries over the phone to me the next day.
Cool, hot and yummy, right? True, except Willie Boy can’t handle the heat. You heard right. The instant the space shuttle attempts to explore his inner space, he blacks out! It appears, the sex was so fast, so furious he simply couldn’t handle the rocket ride. “Oh please. Are you serious?” I ask.
“Serious as Jodie Foster’s face.”
“Well…then what happened?” I say, pressing him.
“I got pregnant,” he says, dully. “My God! What do you think? I got the hell out of there! When I woke up, I mean. How embarrassing.”
Not embarrassing enough to keep the incident on the down-low though….
A week later, Willie Boy brings the entire affair up at a restaurant, where a group of friends have gathered for a dinner party. Of course, “certain” details have been snipped, clipped and strategically altered. It’s the other guy who passes out; Willie was just too much for him. His black-hole-butt-hole swallowed up that sad, college boy and spit him out into a parallel universe, one where age is nothing but an insignificant number. So what if Willie Boy has grown a little long in the tooth? With age comes experience, and Willie has enough experience to know that if you can’t blow out all the candles on your birthday cake, you lie until you get another try.