By Anthony Paull
“If you want to pee with the big boys, you better be able to move rocks with it.” This is what a dear old friend once told me. So last month, having taken his advice, I opted to move boulders with my magnificent meat package by attempting to answer that controversial, yet universal question: Does penis size matter? Turning to my readers for an answer, I was overwhelmed by the bold and lengthy responses by both males and females alike.
According to my poll, 92 percent of my female readers stated that penis size does matter, as opposed to 34 percent of my male readers. The varying viewpoints of both genders were quite alarming.
My girl-power posse, they just loved this question. Quick to cite specific details regarding their past sexual endeavors, most recall feeling unfulfilled when engaging in vaginal sex with a man attached to a Tiny-Tim penis. Even when lucky enough to date a man possessing a big old machine-gun dick, many of the women polled felt like they could usually swallow “one more round” than their man could give them. One brave girl went on to say that no man’s penis is ever too big, and that she’s not satisfied with a man unless she requires a handicap parking sticker in order to drive the morning after riding him.
Oh, how I love my girls. They’re so blatantly honest, except when they’re crawling into bed with their small-dicked boyfriends. Then it’s time to fake and bake. “Oh, it’s so big. Oh, I feel it, yes. Give me that hard, hard thing, and don’t stop pushing ’til it comes out my mouth.”
Oh please. Don’t be bashful. You know you’ve said it. We all become gifted story-tellers when and if our man has a millimeter-monster dangling between his legs. At least, this is what I’m told. Yes, my girls say they have no problem faking an earth-shattering orgasm, especially if the sweaty beast riding them is trying really, really hard to prove he’s a man. “Guys with little dicks have to go the extra mile in other areas,” states one reader. “So I don’t mind applauding their effort with a forgasm (fake orgasm), even if they don’t make me come.”
My girls, they’re a hard crowd to please. Me, I’m not so high-maintenance. The truth is a Tic-Tac can get me off if it’s planning to buy me dinner afterward.
I’m serious. To me, penis size doesn’t matter. Who knows? Maybe it’s because I can’t recall dating anyone with an itsy-bitsy penis. Having been romantically linked to one, two or three well-endowed men from the most foreign of foreign countries, I have a long history of being quite fortunate when it pertains to the issue of size. Does that make me blessed? Perhaps. But let me tell you, I have a low tolerance for pain, and sometimes, less equals more.
For example, spare me a moment to brief you on a nice lad I once dated from Sardinia. “They let you bring that, that thing in this country?” I asked him. The poor thing, he’d just dropped his pants, revealing the longest wet noodle I’ve seen since “Lady and the Tramp,” and he could barely speak a lick of English.
“Kissee it,” he said.
“You mean kiss it? Um no, honey. I’m not kissing that thing, but I might cage it.”
Don’t get me wrong. I can take it with the biggest smile like the best of them. But you have to remember, I’m no woman. That sweet Sardinian salami, that’s not going into a vagina. Maybe like me, that’s why my poll results indicate that men aren’t so worried about penis size. Basically, because we have to sit on the damn thing…
And honey, it hurts.
However, I’m sure the pain can’t compare to the humiliation a guy suffers when the world discovers he has a small penis. In these superficial times, it takes big balls to admit a deficiency in any arena. So do your partner a favor. No matter how big or small his dick, act frightened of it. It’s the deadliest thing you’ve ever encountered, and yes, you must cry like a banshee because you can’t imagine handling it all at once. Beg him for mercy! Scream! Then forget about his penis and consider why you really love him.
Consider the size of his heart.