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This week with Billy Masters from Hollywood

by Billy Masters

"Listen, Jane Seymour – do you want that 'Dancing with the Stars' disco ball trophy or do you want to whine about your dead mother?" – Tony Dovalani comforts the mourning Jane Seymour on her first day back rehearsing for the dance show. First the Belushis and now this! On behalf of all Albanians, I apologize.

I just came from the opening night of the film version of "Naked Boys Singing!" – a project I have special fondness for. The original production premiered just after I moved out to Hollywood, and many of the people involved became (and have remained) good friends. As to this celluloid adaptation, it's not so much a film as a videotaped souvenir of the stage show, with some rudimentary effects thrown in for good measure. BTW, it would appear that no one in the cast has had their appendix removed. Bottom line – if you liked the play, this video will please you. On the positive side, it looks significantly better than I expected. On the negative, I've seen films badly looped or with bad sound – but I've never seen both flaws in the same film, until now. The audio is so badly produced and distorted that it's almost unlistenable. Whether this was a problem with the sound system at the theatre I saw it at or with the actual recording is unknown. I say it's the studio source, but NBS original press representative, the wise and powerful Ken Werther, says "That's impossible." Time will tell…

"Desperate Housewives" is kicking off November sweeps with a special Halloween episode. Since it airs on Nov. 4 it will be a wee bit after the fact. But why quibble? The new gay couple on Wisteria Lane throws a party, everyone's in costume, Danielle has her baby, and Andrew's in drag. Oh, yes, little Sean Pyfrom dons a sequin gown and long black wig looking like Cher as a guest on "Sabato Gigante." And don't send me hate mail – I'm not slamming on anyone, other than maybe Cher. We'll post the photos on BillyMasters.com.

On the same day, Joan Rivers will be running the New York Marathon. Well, "running" might be the wrong term – she'll be happy to finish. After all, Auntie's gotta stay in shape is she's gonna land back on the red carpet. Rumor has it that Joan and Missy have been in talks with VH-1 to host award show arrivals for the network. The one-time music channel has become a refuge for C-list celebs and thinks this might be a perfect fit. They tested the waters by providing a camera crew to film the Grim Rivers in her lair critiquing Emmy arrivals on the web while watching coverage on TV. Why doesn't someone pay me to do that? Of course, I'd have to put clothes on first…

A little birdie just told me that Sally Kirkland has signed a development deal with E! to star in her very own reality show. I can't think of anyone less familiar with "reality" than good ole Sally, but who am I to judge? According to my source, she pitched the show as "Anna Nicole with a Golden Globe." Comparing yourself to Anna Nicole – not the way I'd go.

In some sad news, "Queer Eye" hottie Kyan Douglas is single. Well, I guess it's sad news for him – it just gives me, and countless others, unrealistic hope. Kyan and activist Greg Durham had been engaged for about a year and planned on marrying this past May. When the date came and went, people got suspicious. In promoting the new (and final) season of "Queer Eye," he told website AfterElton.com, "It happens all the time in the world where engagements get called off. And that's what happened." But what happened? That's what I'd like to know.

In some positive "Queer Eye" news, that little imp Carson Kressley has already moved onto his next project. He's hosting a show for Lifetime focusing on women between the ages of 25 and 40 who want to transform themselves into someone they see in a mirror and love. I'm told the pilot tested higher than anything in Lifetime history – including "America's Psychic Challenge"! But they probably knew that beforehand.

Cutie Jai Rodriguez is preparing for his post-"Queer Eye" life by dropping in on Dr. 90210. As if it weren't enough of a reality star convergence, his doctor was none other than Dr. Will Kirby, from "Big Brother." Jai would like to have the lips of Mario Lopez. Get in line, honey. I'm told the episode already aired, so you can see the results for yourself.

With the new season of "Project Runway" around the corner, we've already done some snooping and have discovered that one of the contestants, Jack Mackenroth, is a very sexy and athletic gay man. He's 38 years old, competed as a swimmer in the Gay Games, is HIV-positive and, oh yes, he's single. I'd give you his e-mail address, but then I'd have some competition. However, I have no problem sharing photos of him with you. Go to www.BillyMasters.com for some sizzling skin shots.

It was only a matter of time – Clay Aiken on Broadway. Didn't we all see it coming? Clay will be the latest "Idol" alum to grace the Great White Way when he joins the cast of "Spamalot" on Jan. 18 playing the role of "Sir Robin." The show's director, Mike Nichols, says "Clay Aiken is amazing beyond that glorious voice. Turns out he is an excellent comic actor and a master of character." Oh, yeah, I had Clay pegged as a thespian from day one. BTW, the role was originally played by David Hyde Pierce. Need I say more?

This week's "Ask Billy" question comes from Dan out here in California: "What is the scoop on hottie Derek Hough on 'Dancing With The Stars'? Family or not?"

I have to admit that I have not followed this season of "Dancing," primarily because I don't know who half the people are. A few times, I had trouble figuring out who was the "dancer" and who was the "star." But I do know who Derek Hough is and when it comes to "family," he's a "not" – at least according to his MySpace profile. But didya know that Danny was the lead in the UK production of the musical "Footloose"? And at the time, he looked remarkably like another self-proclaimed "not," Austin Miller – and we all know how that turned out. I'll post photos of Derek in all his glory on BillyMasters.com.

To slip in the answer to another popular question, Chace Crawford from "Gossip Girl" is allegedly dating Carrie Underwood. For some reason, other Web sites have removed the photos of them out together, but not our site.

When Clay is being complimented on his ability to play fey, it's time to end yet another column. Because Halloween is coming up, we have a little treat for people on www.BillyMasters.com. We've come into possession of a rarity – the Paul Lynde Halloween Special, circa 1976. Oh, it's a spooky video – from Margaret Hamilton's last appearance as the "Wicked Witch of the West," to guest stars KISS, Pinky Tuscadero, and Florence Henderson who sings "That Old Black Magic." This is a pretty lengthy video, so it won't last long – after Halloween, it's outta here. But I'm not going anywhere. Just drop a note to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before I ask Dr. 90210 how I can have Mario's ass! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

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