When Words Become Witness: The Power (and Occasional Pitfalls) of LGBTQ+ Wedding Speeches
What we say matters, especially on a day packed with feelings and the hard-won right to love freely
Wedding speeches are often the emotional heart of community participation in the reception — an opportunity for loved ones to share their joy, tell the couple's story and offer wisdom for the journey ahead. But at LGBTQ+ weddings, these toasts can carry a unique resonance, often reflecting broader narratives of resilience, chosen family and the power of love in defying expectations.
Last year, a wedding toast video went viral. It featured Kelli Dalton, mother of Colorado bride Maggie Hesketh. She began her speech by waving a Pride flag (not figuratively, but literally waving a small flag) and starting: "This is our family's first gay wedding, but hopefully not our last."
She continued: "The gay agenda is simply to be loved and accepted and even celebrated as is, just like anyone else, without having to change or be changed."
The affirming five-minute speech should have come with a warning: may cause tears. Hundreds of comments responding to the video were mostly from LGBTQ+ people who expressed gratitude for Dalton's vocal support of our community — but also, sadness or regret at not having had her kind of parental support.
The cameras weren't running when Jordan Williams of Ann Arbor got married last year to her partner Alex DeBoer, but Williams had an emotionally similar experience. "I didn't expect my dad to speak at all. But then, he stood up, cleared his throat and said, 'I spent 30 years trying to understand my child. Tonight, I want to thank her for teaching me what love is.'"
"There were many tears," said Williams. "Me. My partner. Our friends. Our family. And to my great surprise, even from my dad. He's a tough Midwestern dude. I don't think I've ever seen him cry."
Metro Detroit clinical social worker and therapist Daniel Horrigan explains why these speeches impact us so deeply: "I think it's about attachment. Cultivating loving, intimate relationships helps us to heal attachment wounds. I think it's fair to say that many queer people have attachment wounds. When we gather for a wedding, it's a celebration of secure attachment. And we don't just find healing from our attachment wounds with our partners — we find them in community. So this type of participation continues to positively reinforce that sense of attachment."
At many traditional weddings, speeches follow a familiar formula: childhood anecdotes, playful teasing and sentimental wishes for the couple. But for LGBTQ+ couples, the journey to the altar may have included family rejection, legal battles or societal hurdles that can color the words spoken on their wedding day. Effective wedding speeches often reflect the broader social and political context.
Additionally, since many LGBTQ+ people build rich and supportive networks of chosen family, this is reflected in who makes speeches at LGBTQ+ weddings. Instead of the mother of the bride, it might be a queer elder who one of the brides met playing softball when she first came out. Instead of a childhood best friend, it might be a drag mother, or a much-loved member of the couple's extended polycule.
Unfortunately, not all LGBTQ+ wedding speeches are heartfelt affirmations. It's not uncommon to have a tense moment or two, such as when an uncle decides to declare, "Jesus just isn't on board," as if that's a wise choice (to that guy — maybe just stay home). Or perhaps a biological parent who has been absent for years but suddenly wants the mic.
Preparation is essential in these situations. Providing guests with rotten tomatoes in their wedding favor bag to throw in case a speech takes a homophobic or transphobic turn is a tempting but messy option. Instead, wedding planners advise vetting speeches beforehand and designating a “mic moderator” to step in if needed.
What else makes an LGBTQ+ wedding speech great?
- Tell the real story. Share anecdotes highlighting the couple's journey, starting with their meet-cute, especially if their meeting was truly cute. Sharing obstacles the couple has overcome may be welcome, but double check with those involved closely that you're not sharing any part of the narrative that is not publicly known. Williams was surprised, for example, that her father casually mentioned she and DeBoer had met on a dating app. "It wasn't a secret but it wasn't something we were shouting from the rooftops," Williams said. "But no one cared! Now we include it every time someone asks us to relate our relationship story."
- Acknowledge the moment. A 20-minute grim treatise on the history of and ongoing threat to marriage equality might make the speech memorable, but perhaps not how you intended. However, recognizing the significance of an LGBTQ+ wedding and including at least a nod to the larger context can add weight to your words.
- Avoid clichés. Yes, we all know that “love is love." But you've been chosen to share a toast because you can speak to what makes this particular couple's love unique and extraordinary.
- Know your audience. Not everyone in the room may be at the same point in their LGBTQ+ relationship affirmation journey. A speech that blends humor, authenticity and warmth can bridge gaps and bring people together.
- Use humor wisely. Jess Pettit, a celebrated public speaker and comedian, explains, "Humor is mostly about pairing two unexpected elements together, and the glue is the speaker's vulnerability."
- End with a toast. Wrap up with a powerful closing line, whether it's a simple “To love in all its forms” or a Beyoncé or Madonna lyric that sums it all up perfectly, like "We be all night, love, love, we be all night, love, love," from "Drunk in Love."
Conquer stage fright by appreciating the context. Pettit suggests: "The most powerful element of a toast or giving a speech when it isn't your job is that everyone in the room is rooting for you because they assume you won't be great. This allows you space and grace to mispronounce words, stumble through a phrase and gives the audience a chance to support and cheer you on — together you deliver the speech and that is often less scary than feeling like you are doing it all by yourself."
Ultimately, LGBTQ+ wedding speeches do more than just celebrate a couple — they stand as affirmations of love, resilience and the hard-won right to joy. In a world where queer love has often been silenced, these moments of public affirmation matter. They are both deeply personal and inherently political.
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