By Dawn Wolfe Gutterman
According to Reverend Kimi Riegel, she learned the advice that she now shares with all of the couples she marries from a lesbian couple.
The couple's was "probably the very first commitment ceremony I ever did," roughly thirteen years ago, said Riegel, who is minister for the Northwest Unitarian Universalist Church in Southfield. The advice came out of a commitment the couple had made to one another which they discussed with Riegel during a pre-ceremony meeting in her office.
"They said they had an agreement that they knew they wouldn't get through this relationship without help, and that [if one partner were to say] 'we need help,' the other would say 'yes.'"
"I found that so intelligent, so understanding of what the challenges would be in any relationship," said Riegel. "I have given that advice to every couple I have married since … gay or straight, and said 'I learned this from a lesbian couple.'"
Inspiration is a common thread through the stories told by area clergy who officiate at the blessings of unions of same-gender couples. Reverend Ric Beattie of Renaissance Unity in Warren recalled one particularly moving ceremony, which he performed about two years ago.
The two women had saved love letters that they had written to each other, "and they wove those letters into the vows they spoke to one another," said Beattie. "It was poignant because … they took something that was personally significant to them, and made it significant to everyone there."
An important part of that inspiration, for gay as well as straight couples, is the way in which families and friends form a supportive community during the ceremony.
"The other thing that was important about that particular holy union," said Beattie, "was the number of family and non-gay friends that were there. It was a celebration of [the couples'] community. It really showed that love is love and love is a blessing to everyone – it doesn't matter what your gender is."
Family was the source of inspiration in two ceremonies fondly recalled by Reverend Deborah Dysert of Clarkston's Divine Peace Metropolitan Community Church.
One couple that Dysert joined in a holy union "integrated a small table set up with candles, representing people in their family and their lives who had passed away. One partner had three adult children, and each one lit one of the candles for one of the family members who had passed on," said Dysert. "It was very, very powerful."
Dysert was also deeply touched by the close family ties of another couple she joined. One of the two women was the birth mother of two girls, said Dysert.
"At the point in time where they were making their commitments to each other, the partner who was not the birth mother made a commitment to each of the girls," said Dysert. "Then [she] spoke to the father, who was there, and pledged to try to be a good role model, [and] to be good to them."
After the woman had spoken, said Dysert, "[The father] stood up and spoke to Linda and thanked her for her willingness to be that role model. … I can't even imagine what it would be like growing up and [being] at this ceremony where your mom's marrying another woman, and have your dad give his blessing for that," she added. "And they say that we don't have family values."
In addition to family values, family humor also stands out in the memories of clergy who bless the unions of members of the LGBT community.
Dysert recalled that the couple whose adult children lit memorial candles during their service also had their two-year-old granddaughter as a flower girl.
"She presented us with some challenges because two year olds aren't very patient," laughed Dysert.
Of course, family members aren't the only ones who create humorous moments at commitment ceremonies. Dysert recalled her own union to her partner, Ann Cox.
"When it was time for her to say 'I do,' she looked at the congregation and said, 'What do you think?'" said Dysert. "I almost died!"
Twenty minutes and a world away
Several of the clergy contacted by BTL have performed marriages for same-sex couples in Canada.
"That was eye opening to experience – that we had to go across the border to pay tribute to someone's love," said Rabbi Tamara Kolton of the Birmingham Temple, in speaking of a Canadian ceremony she performed for two U.S. citizens. "That we can't do that in our own country is really a shame."
Another MCC minister and former Michigan resident, the Reverend Martha Daniels of MCC Windsor, said that moving from the United States to Canada "has been a breath of fresh air."
Daniels, a newly-ordained minister who performed her first wedding on April 13, said, "It was thrilling, and it was very touching to be able to preside not only at a ceremony of commitment but a legal civil marriage."
MCC Detroit minister Reverend Mark Bidwell shares Daniels' enthusiasm for Canada's openness. Bidwell performed a wedding ceremony in Canada for two friends of his partner, Greg, which was attended predominantly by the couples' straight friends and family.
"When I opened up the ceremony in prayer," said Bidwell, "I thanked the nation of Canada, the province of Ontario and the city of Windsor, as well as the people of that nation, for recognizing the love that these two women shared. … It still gives me goosebumps that 20 minutes from where we live is a nation that is so open and loving that they recognize our relationships."
And, of course, no wedding is complete without tears – though in the case of ceremonies performed for lesbian and gay couples in the United States, those tears sometimes express frustration as well as joy.
"I always cry," said Riegel. "Sometimes because it's frustrating to me that I can't sign a marriage license, but more often than not I am touched by the genuine sharing of love between two people."
