Financial woes makes partner rethink relationship
Q: I feel like my world has been spinning out of control. It all seemed to come down on me when I had to take a salary cut at work. Actually, my position was cut and I was offered a lesser position that didnÕt pay as much. Well, that put me about $175 less a pay check or about $350 a month less to pay my bills. I was doing fine financially until all this happened; I was even able to save a few bucks. Then, my car broke down and it will take $2589 to fix it. I donÕt have that kind of money and am not sure that my car is even worth putting money into; but then again, IÕll not qualify for a car loan with my monthly expenses, forget about the fact that if I got a loan, I wouldnÕt be able to make the payments. Right now, IÕm bumming rides to work with co-workers.
I donÕt know how long theyÕll be happy to continue with it. Now for the big financial strain, IÕm afraid that IÕm going to lose my house. I bought my home four years ago and got some creative financing Ñ as they called it at the time. The value of my house went down, my payments increased and IÕm in deep shit. I donÕt even want to answer my phone these days. IÕve never had creditors on my back before. IÕve always been someone who paid her bills. Okay, now the kicker. My girlfriend ÒOliviaÓ and I were scheduled to have a commitment ceremony this September, and she was going to move in my home with me. (We hadnÕt worked out the details of it yet, like, rent or buy into the house. But, we were going to do that.) We are scheduled to have a honeymoon on a cruise in October.
Well, that was a few weeks ago, before Olivia found out about all my financial woes. I hadn√ït said much to Olivia about my financial problems when I took a pay cut. I figured I would figure it out, like trim my expenses. (That was an optimistic thought as I couldn√ït trim them enough to do much good.) Anyway, I didn√ït mean to hold back on her regarding my finances, it√ïs just that I thought I could handle it until my car went down and my house payments increased far more than I thought that they would. By the time I got to telling Olivia √ë she√ïs out of town a lot on her job — I was really feeling in a world of hurt about my ability to make my payments. When we finally sat down and I was able to talk to her about what has come down on me in these last three months, she claimed that I had been deceptive with her, like I had latched onto her for her money.
She does have a good job with a good salary, but then, so did I before my job demotion and pay cut. But the fact is, we had been going together for three years! I guess that she thinks that I was so insightful that I knew that I was going to have a job downgrade and get into this financial pickle back when I first met her —√äand then I forced her to fall in love with me. Give me a break! Now, I√ïm feeling really upset with Olivia. Now she says that she wants to think about whether or not she's √íwilling√ì to get involved in my financial crisis. She said that since we have already paid for our cruise (our honeymoon cruise), she thinks we should go, but without the commitment ceremony! She thinks that: √íattaching her ship to mine would be a real mistake.√ì
First of all, her having a commitment ceremony with me will not make her legally responsible for my debt; however, her paying for half of the utilities, food, and some towards my house loan would make it so that I could survive this. (IÕm willing to have her contribution to rent apply to ownership.) Still, sheÕs worried about being involved with me, even when I told her that IÕve always been financially responsible, just made a mistake in what I thought I could do, money wise; along with my not knowing that I would have my job and income downsized. (In fact, I was told six months ago that I would be getting a promotion.)
IÕm feeling really shitty about my life right now, and not knowing what to do. I thought that Olivia would be there for me during this crisis, and it could be solved if she were. However, maybe IÕm nuts and she has every right and is wise to avoid my life right now. I have talked to some financial people about what to do if Olivia refuses help in this matter, so ultimately, IÕll be okay. My question to you is: What do you think about OliviaÕs perspective?
Up a Creek Without A Partner
A: I think that Olivia sees your relationship as more a business deal than a relationship between two people who are in love and support one another. IÕd really worry about your Òattaching your ship toÓ hers. Anyone can have hard times; thatÕs when you find out about the people in your life. Good luck!
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