Maybe Adam Lambert's already packed his bags – and eyeliner – last night (at press time he was still chugging along in the competition), leaving Kris Allen and Danny Gokey to duke it out on the eight season of "American Idol." That means I was cursing my TV like it was a driver who doesn't understand the concept of a turn signal.
Then I grieved, slipping into Blanche Devereux mode: "Well, I am devastated. Just devastated." I'd be more than devastated, though. I'd be drinking. Probably something heavy enough to forget that "American Idol" voters know zilch about talent (keeping David Gokey over Allison Iraheta – who are you people, and what have you done with the aurally inclined?). Then I'd Tweet my sadness while simultaneously listening to YouTube clips of the 27-year-old theater aficionado. After, I might smile, with this notion on my mind: Maybe this is for the best, considering the fate of other "Idol" top dogs (R.I.P. Katherine McPhee's career).
Or say I'm a happy queer camper, and Lambert outdid one of the other dudes, scooting his fashionista ass – a cute one, by the way – into the finale, which airs May 19 on FOX. Everything's good. Swine flu doesn't even matter much anymore. OK, maybe a bit – but at least we could maybe get a Lambert "Mad World" encore with a PowerPoint backdrop that only reinforces how much everything is screwed and unfair. Some photos of people walking around in face masks. Maybe a pic of fourth-place contender Allison crying just before they made her sing Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby" (I'm bitter – still). It could be powerful. Well, it already was.
When the sexually ambiguous Lambert strayed from the bombast type that would make Celine Dion jealous, toning his voice and flamboyancy down to kick serious butt with the Gary Jules take on the Tears for Fears classic, he broke me in two. Pieces everywhere. He also, deservedly, got a standing ovation. So, yeah, the hoopla enveloping the rubber-banded voiced juggernaut is justified. Gay or not.
Pictures of him swapping spit with a dude surfaced several weeks ago – not that gaydars everywhere weren't beeping (a TMZ clip pretty much sealed the deal) – and media had a field day, speculating that it might damper his odds. I say his entry into the top three, at the very least, is enough to prove that talent trumps sexuality (I mean, wouldn't the guy be gone already if "Idol" watchers hated gays that much?).
In the past, contestants have been microscopically examined, enduring moral scrutiny for stripping, nude pics, arrests, an alleged affair with Paula Abdul. But, uh, isn't this a singing competition – no matter how much it might seem like one big commercial come results night? So what if he's gay or bi or a likely candidate for a before-and-after Proactiv commercial.
The guy-on-guy and dressed-in-drag snapshots mean nothing in the scheme of the competition – though homophobes who apparently spread some anti-Adam propaganda around the Web last week would debate that. Asswipes.
But we've got Entertainment Weekly on our side; they put Lambert on the cover of their recent issue, calling him, "The most exciting 'American Idol' contestant in years … and not just because he might be gay." Which, if he happens to be (ask a Magic 8-Ball, it'll tell you: Signs point to yes), means nothing pertaining to his unrivaled talent, but could be just as powerful as his voice should he be the first queer "Idol." Imagine the young lives he could change. And the endorsement deals with Maybelline.
Even The New York Times, early last month, questioned how his sexuality could impact his odds: "Some wonder if he can't win. Others ask, why would it matter?"
Exactly – why would it? Eyeliner's cool (thanks, Pete Wentz). Gays can sing (Elton! George! Melissa!). And, get this, they can be ridiculously successful – and dance (Hey, Ellen!). So I say we're just as capable as the straights. Lambert, winner or not, has already proved himself – and that we might be more progressive than we think.
So here's to hoping that the full bottle of Jack is still in the basement – untouched – and we're one step closer to Lambert taking the "Idol" crown for the arm hairs he erects and the notes he nails every week. Not the people.
A queer 'Idol'?
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