Q: I have a problem and I'm not sure what to do about it. First, let me tell you that my partner and I have been together for 23 years. We have raised three children and are respected and loved by our families. We have had our ups and downs throughout the years but for the most part we are happy and in love.
Two years ago I found out that my partner "Sharon" was having an affair. Apparently it started out on the Internet in a chat room and was just friendship but over time developed into an affair. This woman, "Connie," lived about one hour from our house. They started meeting for coffee and pretty soon it wasn't an Internet affair, anymore, but a full fledge physical affair.
I knew at the time that Sharon was spending a lot of time on the computer chatting with her friends, but I didn't suspect that anything was going on with any "special" friend. I really didn't have a clue until some friends saw her out with Connie.
Sharon has a job that is demanding and has varied hours, so I always just believed her when she said she had to work. When I confronted her she admitted the whole thing, stopped seeing Connie, and we went into counseling to help us deal with this and get over the pain.
I have had a hard time trusting her since this happened but I am working on it.
The problem is that in the last few months Sharon has started to be on the computer more and more. She will sometimes get up in the middle of the night to "chat" with friends. She says it's because she can't sleep and it's just something to do. I just can't help but think it is starting all over again. (Our commitment to each other is monogamy.) When I ask Sharon about it, she says I am just being paranoid and I need to just trust her. Her attitude is that I need to get over it.
I am trying to "get over it," but when I see her sitting in her office, using chat rooms for hours, it is hard for me to not think that she is starting the whole thing all over again. I asked her if I could look in to see what she's doing on the chat lines, so I wouldn't worry, but she tells me it's none of my business and I should respect her boundaries, and then gets all crazy saying that I should trust her.
I don't know what to do because I can't seem to control my thoughts about this issue. I am not sleeping at night and feel anxious all the time. I asked Sharon to go back into counseling with me, but she just says it is a waste of money since there is nothing going on this time, other than my paranoia.
I don't know what to do because I can't live like this. It is ruining my life and health. Maybe I am just paranoid, but I don't know what to do to stop the thoughts. I feel like I have no options because I can't stop my suspicions that I have, and I can't live without Sharon. How do I get through this and start trusting Sharon?
Just Not Believing Her
A: I'm not sure how long you and Sharon were in counseling, or which issues you got resolved between the two of you – or didn't get resolved, as seems to me to be the case. Did you both understand and deal with the issues of her infidelity when you were in therapy? This is not just about her continuing her chatting on the Internet (knowing the history of it all, and that this would be upsetting to you), but she seems to disrespect your feelings and fears. I think there are underlying issues in your relationship that you both need to deal with. In monogamous relationships, infidelity is a symptom of a problem or problems that are not being addressed.
I recommend that the two of you need to find a therapist – maybe a different one this time – and get down to the underlying issues that are plaguing your relationship. If Sharon won't go, you go anyway. You need support and help in how to deal with this situation.
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