BY AJ TRAGER
In his latest book, "Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi?," certified relationship therapist and clinical sexologist Joe Kort, PhD, MSW, MA, with the help of Alexander P. Morgan, PhD, illustrates diverse male sexuality and how every experience from childhood onward affects personalities, and for some, their sexual appetites. Designed as a self-help book for wives concerned about their husbands' physical engagements with other men, Kort and Morgan describe a range of seemingly gay entanglements and how the stigmatization of homosexuality, the dangers of learned homophobia and the deep psychological segregation between "gay," "straight" and "bi" affect male sexuality. Kort has written three other books addressing the lives of gay men and the importance of affirmative therapy vs reparative therapy, and this guide follows those same principles of "seek to fully understand where your partner is coming from and address their needs." With the help of case studies and descriptions of various relationship styles and how to improve intra-relationship communication skills, Kort and Morgan show male sexuality as a fluid experience, keeping a thick distinction between gay men and men who have sex with other men.
As a gay man and sexual therapist for over 20 years, Joe Kort offers workshops for couples and singles, run various therapy groups, teaches at the University of Michigan's Sexual Health Certificate Program, speaks and conducts workshops internationally and maintains and contributes to blogs, magazines and newspapers. In a recent interview with BTL, Kort describes the challenges in writing the self-help guide for concerned wives and the differences in LGBT and straight therapy.
You've been in practice since 1985. What would you say is the biggest change in therapeutic approach for the LGBT community since you started?
The biggest change I have noticed is that LGBT people in their teens and early 20s are coming to me with regular problems, not (just) related to being LGBT. The coming out process occurred earlier for them, and they didn't need therapy. So by the time they come to me they just have mainstream problems such as relationships, family issues and depression and anxiety. I noticed the change in the early 2000s and was pleasantly surprised.
What motivated you to write this book?
I decided to write "Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?" because I have been seeing an increase of straight men who were caught by their wives looking at gay porn and putting ads on and answering Craig's List ads for sex with men. I wanted to provide a book that was a resource for these men and women, for them as a couple, to not let it destroy their relationships.
What was the most difficult aspect of writing this book?
There are two things that made this book difficult to write:
1. Writing about bisexuality. There are so many ways of expressing bisexuality that it was hard to write about. Writing that out in a clear way was a challenge for both myself and my writer. I think I did an OK job, but it could have been better.
2. Perhaps the hardest thing for me to get used to is the bashing I get from gay men who attack me for writing that a straight man can have gay sex. They claim that I am keeping closeted gay men in the closet and reinforcing a false belief that they are straight. The difference is that, for the gay or bi guy, he moves onto a gay or bisexual identity whereas the straight guy never does. I always say that straight men who have gay sex is a guy thing, not a gay thing.
What hurdles does the LGBT community face that their straight counterparts do not in terms of sexual health?
Because our sexual orientation and behaviors are not heteronoramtive, we deal with a lot of shame. I see a lot of shaming of each other about how we engage in sex. Amongst gay men there is quite a bit of judgment around what other gay men do in terms of open relationships, bathhouses and being on gay apps like Grindr. There is an increase of sexual liberation and freedom as well. It has always been there, but I see more LGBT people enjoying the fact that there are no sexual expectations of us and we get to make our own rules of what is healthy or not for ourselves.
Is there one thing you can suggest to a broad group of LGBT people on how to be more in tune with their sexual self?
It is imperative that LGBT people examine the injuries and insults they experienced while growing up. Even if you are someone who never experienced gay bashing directly, listening to the news, the media, those in your family who are LGBT-negative goes directly into your psyche and shapes your developing sense of self as an LGBT person. We were born LGBT children. We don't arrive here from a gay planet and infiltrate the straight world. Most of us come out and move on as if coming out in and of itself is enough. It is not. Looking at the dust bunnies left in that closet is imperative.
