If you’re gay – a gay man, specifically (because that’s all the experience I have) – you know how catty we can be to one another. You’re trying to have a drama-free evening at your local bar and then – bang! – some queen throws you shade for no good reason. Insults (and sometimes wigs) fly, and before you know it yet another homo has ruined an otherwise low-key evening with her sass. I’m over it, and so are you, and these are the reasons we need to stop the bitchery in its tracks.
1. Your Parents Probably Didn’t Raise You to Be a Jackass
I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m willing to bet that if you’re an asshole your parents weren’t exactly committed to bringing you up that way. For argument’s sake, I expect they wanted the best for you, for you to get a good education and pursue your passions, and to practice politeness and respect with everyone you meet. But somewhere along the line you said “fuck it all” and turned your repressed sexuality into anger that you dole out on an at-will basis. Not cute. Maybe it got a good chuckle when you were in your late teens and early 20s, but that act gets old after awhile (this advice comes from experience, mind you; I’m a work in progress), and by the time you’re my age – 35 – people are fed up with your juvenile antics.
Just be nicer, K? Because you never know when you’ll meet the wrong person who will pick you up like a ragdoll and throw you across a bar because your mouth is too big. (This advice also comes from experience.)
2. You’ll Attract More Bees With Honey Than Vinegar
Lamenting the fact that you’re always single? Maybe it has to do with your prickly personality. If you have a knack for being negative, it’s hardly a wonder why nobody wants to be around you. It’s easy to be a pessimist in this world, sure, but if you look for the good, you’ll find it. Open your eyes.
3. Pricks Are Fun to Fuck, Not Date
I’m a firecracker – everyone I know will tell you that. A stereotypical ginge with Irish lineage who has a quick temper and a penchant for too much alcohol. I’m also really good in bed. But while my black book isn’t lacking in return visitors, my dating career – and my marriage – has been plagued with disappointment, hurt feelings and tears. Lots of tears. I’m currently in the middle of a divorce – which, thankfully, is amicable now – and I’m dating someone new. After eight years of being unhappy with my husband (we’re both to blame, not just him) and a couple ill-fated long-term relationships before that, I think I’ve finally learned how to be at peace with myself and my partner. With age comes wisdom, they say, and I’ve learned from my mistakes. Granted, cutting back on my alcohol intake also has contributed to this success – but, hey, whatever works.
4. You’re Not as Right As You Think You Are All the Time
I’m starting to recognize that this edition of my column isn’t making me look very good, but I’m nothing if I’m not honest. Alas, I’m a know-it-all, and that really ticks people off. The difference between me and you, though, is that I’m always right when I think I’m right – I won’t argue anything I’m unsure about – and you just think you’re right. I don’t know what burns people up more – people like me who are always right or people like you who will argue to the death about how right they are even though they’re wrong. Either way, we both should cut it out so we don’t die alone.
5. Hypocrisy Isn’t a Good Color on You
As a community, we collectively wag our fingers at gay Republicans because they’re basically Benedict Arnold with Botox, but there’s plenty we need to reconcile on our side of the fence. Like how we treat different races and sexual identities. I mean, come on – are you, preacher of civil liberties, protester of oppression, really being a racist right now? If I hear, “Everyone except Asians” one more time from a fag, I’m gonna shove a pair of chopsticks right up his ass. Then there’s the side-eye many of you give to bisexual men and women just because you don’t “believe” in it. That logic sounds eerily similar to the “Christians” who want you to shut the hell up, just not with a dick in your mouth. Who are any of us to judge? Just mind ya business.
6. While We Basked in Our Civil Victories, a New War Emerged
If I had to choose a solitary reason why we all need to get along, it’s that our protections and civil liberties are in grave danger under Fuhrer Trump. This administration is bad news for many Americans, the LGBT community included. Which is why we need to band together and rise up – we’ve done it several times before – to let our fellow citizens know that we’ll take a lot of things lying down, but we won’t accept whatever bullshit they have in store over the next four years. March, call your representatives, hold rallies and continue to exercise your right vote to help change the tide, or at least keep it from coming in full force, poised to drown us out.