"At least she is older than 16." – George Clooney's reaction to Nicole Kidman's pregnancy.
The news of Nicole Kidman's pregnancy reminded me of the old rumor that Tom never consummated their marriage due to a "pre-existing medical condition" (note that I cleverly avoided using any specific letters or mathematical symbols). On the same day Nic's good news was announced, we heard specifics about the contents of Andrew Morton's unauthorized bio on Cruisy. Nothing amuses me more than Tom and his attorney Bert Fields getting worked up into a tizzy. Fields alleges that Morton's book is based on rumors and outdated interviews. "There's no real independent research. (Morton) hasn't spoken to his mother, his sister, me, Paula Wagner, his agent, his wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez, or any of the famous directors he's worked with." Yeah, 'cause Tom, J-Lo, and Becks were dying to have Morton over for tea and scones!
That Andy Morton is one clever cookie. With his more fantastic claims, he carefully words things in a way that avoids prosecution – a skill we've also mastered. Nothing is written without being attributed to a specific person or source. For the rumor that Katie was impregnated with the sperm of L. Ron Hubbard, Morton says, "Some fanatics even wondered if the actress had been impregnated with Hubbard's frozen sperm." Of course, no one says where that frozen sperm would have come from. Why not say Tom thawed out Walt Disney and Katie had his kid!
Prior to Tom "dating" Miss Holmes, I reported that three actresses were up for the role of "consort." Morton goes into detail about Sofia Vergara's "audition" – "Sofia told friends she had been deliberately targeted not only as a possible bride for Tom, but as a high-profile Scientology recruit who would be an alluring figurehead for a future recruitment drive in Latin America." Penelope Cruz's father Eduardo was also concerned that his daughter was being drawn into a "cult."
In reviewing the book, Entertainment Weekly states: "(Morton) compiles stout testimonials to the star's heterosexuality while carefully, non-libelously palpating rumors to the contrary." One of the people Morton quotes is L. Ron Hubbard's son: "The first thing we wanted to know about someone we were auditing was his sexual deviations. All you've got to do is find a person's kinks, whatever they might be. Then you can fit a ring through their noses and take them anywhere. You promise to fulfill their fantasies, or you threaten to expose them." Then another Scientology exec states, "These files come in handy if they want to blackmail you." Wouldn't you like to get a peek in that filing cabinet?
In a rare moment of lucidity, Britney Spears tossed Dr. Phil out on his ass. We're told that Britney's mother invited Quick Draw McGraw to meet her troubled daughter in her hospital room. However, Brit had no idea Phil was coming until he darkened her doorway – more like an archway. Allegedly, the doc kept talking while Spears prepared to leave. She wasn't particularly mad at Philly – she was seething at her mother for inviting him in the first place. After all, Britney's not a minor. She requested no visitors and was ambushed. Unlike other professionals who have ethics and doctor/patient confidentiality, Phil has no problem issuing statements and opinions on Spears. On the positive side, a little birdie told us that the drug testing on the one-time pop star showed no illegal drugs in her system. Of course, that does not rule out prescription medication or alcohol.
A TV series based on the film "Sordid Lives" is currently filming. The cast includes Olivia Newton-John, Leslie Jordan, Rue McClanahan, Caroline Rhea, and Beth Grant. The show is slated to turn up on Logo this summer.
Carson Kressley (who has a cameo in the "Sordid Lives" series) becomes the first ex-"Queer Eye" to have a hit of his own. The debut episode of "How To Look Good Naked" drew record numbers for Lifetime. The "television for women" network reports that the ratings are the highest for any Lifetime reality program – meaning he's beat out "America's Psychic Challenge" and "How Clean Is Your House?"
Oprah has hired little Nate Berkus to host "Oprah's Big Give" for ABC. On the show, 10 people are given money and challenges on how to spend it. Berkus is being touted as the first openly-gay man to host a reality show on a network. And if there's a smaller niche you can come up with, do let us know.
File this under "How I spent the WGA strike": Neil Patrick Harris and beau David Burtka extended their planned holiday getaway by enjoying the rays in Hawaii. Photos we'll run of them wearing board shorts and T-shirts show them looking infinitely more relaxed than when paparazzi surprised them upon their return to LAX.
Neil and Davey weren't the only celebs spotted in Hawaii. David Hasselhoff was on Oahu over the holidays – but he was absconded in a rehab (presumably near a hamburger joint).
In other vacation photos, 65-year-old Calvin Klein looked fit and trim in Miami – and should make all of us over a certain age feel good about wearing tank tops! He was photographed lunching al fresco in South Beach with a lad who appears to be about 30 – which goes into 65 twice. Let's hope he did better than that.
Not to be outdone, designer Giorgio Armani was captured on his Caribbean vacation frolicking in a skimpy white Speedo – and not looking too shabby. Of course, seeing the 73-year-old Armani makes me feel almost giddy about my Speedo physique.
This "Ask Billy" question from Darryl in Houston came in a month or so ago: "What's happening with Billy Brandt? I haven't heard anything about him in years."
There hasn't been much to report on Brandt for a couple of years. Last I heard, he was living in Rhode Island. But we just received a tantalizing press release. Seems that Billy Brandt has filmed yet another bottoming scene – this time with Brad Star. On Jan. 18, "From Bottom to Top" will debut on http://CockyBoys.com (we'll run some hot stills on http://BillyMasters.com). Allegedly, this scene will be "Billy's last appearance in a sex scene performing in the bottom role/position." I will remind readers that back in 2002, Brandt said "If I ever do bottom, it will be one time only in my last film – my retirement film." Well, three bottoming scenes later, he's threatening to make good on that promise. Don't leave, Billy – I'm waiting for the inevitable gang-bang video!
Could it be that a certain globetrotting guy has been getting messy in public? The cute coverboy has told everyone that he wants to find a sugar daddy "while I'm still young and pretty." An odd stance given his hefty reality show win. First he was spotted chatting up some patrons at one of NYC's best places to pick up a rent-boy. Then he disappeared in the men's room with a significantly older daddy type at a recent Las Vegas concert. I guess that would make him "Slutty Spice"!
When Brandt is bottoming and Kressley is topping, it's definitely time to end yet another column. We covered lots of ground this week, but we have one more little tidbit. Remember when we revealed that "American Gladiator" Militia had done porn for "Colt Studios" under the name Alex Gonzalez? Well, he's also included in the Men of Mickey's 2008 Calendar as Mr. January 2008, September 2008, February 2009, and March 2009. The calendar is still available on http://www.BillyMasters.com. If you've got any questions, send an e-mail to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before we unearth photos of Karl Lagerfeld doing a fan dance! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
