"I am not gay. I don't do these kinds of things…You're out to enforce the law, but you shouldn't be out to entrap people, either…I don't seek activity in bathrooms." – Senator Larry Craig's statement to the officer who arrested him after an unsuccessful tryst in a men's room stall at the Minneapolis Airport. Who knew Minneapolis had such an active tea room scene!
Back in 1989, I was fresh out of high school and bought my first hardcover book – "Call Her Miss Ross" by J. Randy Taraborrelli. This book was like heroin for me. I ingested every word, every page – I was practically orgasmic with each passing anecdote. The frank way Diane was depicted was a revelation to me. I portioned out a few pages each night – it was a book that I wished would never end. It sat on my bedside for an eternity – even when I finished it, I'd go back to re-read parts. Yes, this book had a HUGE impact on my life and J. Randy was my hero. Fast forward a few years – I'm writing my column, I've just moved to L.A., and who sends me a fan letter? J. Randy Taraborrelli. In short order we meet and become good friends. We spend my birthdays together where he started a tradition of inscribing that memorable copy of his book to me, and dating it each year.
So, why this trip down Memory Lane? Randy has just released a newly updated version of the book. Actually, it's a completely different book – "Diana Ross: A Biography." Still as insightful, but more balanced and even more detailed. It's also updated to the present day, including two very special evenings: the opening night of the "Return To Love Tour" and Ross' triumphant concert at the famed Pantages Theatre. In fact, when Ross came off that Hollywood stage to sing to Berry Gordy, the photo JRT uses was snapped by Billy Masters. The idea that the book which had such a profound influence on me now contains my name and lists me in the acknowledgements is almost beyond my comprehension. The fact that so many of the people involved – from Randy to the actual "Supremes" – have become my friends is WAY beyond my comprehension.
One thing not beyond my comprehension is that my writings amuse you – thank God! Last week, I was in Boston and went to the Fenway Community Health Center for my anonymous HIV test (gotta keep up on these things). I'm sitting in the waiting room with a friend and we notice someone nearby laughing. He's reading "Bay Windows" and he's reading THIS COLUMN! I suppose it's fortuitous that my photo wasn't in that particular column – anonymity would have gone right out the window. But I'm glad I could give someone a chuckle during what was surely a tense moment.
It took all summer, but I finally made it to Provincetown. Let me make a confession – the Ptown Beach House actually belongs to my friend Joel, who allows me to make myself at home…and take credit! Since I now have the Filth2Go Beach House in Fort Lauderdale, no need to appropriate his place! The bulk of my time was spent with the famed lawyer to the stars, Mark Sendroff. The sexy solicitor virtually keeps Broadway tapping single-handedly. He says he likes having me around because I'm so much fun, but I think he just wants to fatten me up – all we did was eat, and eat, and eat. Our last dinner (a scrumptious bouillabaisse a deux) celebrated the anniversary of the esteemed Ridges from Broadway Beat – a night I won't soon forget. Neither will the rest of 'em since they went to see "A Sophisticated Evening with Jeff Stryker" – a show quite popular with the older set, along with Asian tourists. I guess he's big in Asia. Then again, I'D be big in Asia!!
I must give a special shout-out to Varla Jean Merman and Randy Roberts, the best of the best. These two guys are the most gorgeous gals in showbiz and put on amazing shows – in very different ways. They're both stunning. They both are incredible entertainers. Randy Roberts has a voice like a trumpet – a real, honest-to-goodness belter who didn't even need that mike when it went crashing to the ground. And Varla Jean writes the most uproarious material and pulls off intricate ideas as if they were effortless. From top to bottom, they're tops (my lips are sealed as to who the bottom was).
As for "Barenaked Lads," everyone told me they were nothing like "Naked Boys Singing" – and they're right. They're missing the wit and the heart of that show. These boys are pleasant enough and certainly not lacking in talent. But some skits go on too long without purpose, some should be jettisoned entirely, some of the lyrics are trite, and the girl should be given a pink slip. Give me that script and 10 minutes and that show would be as tight as the youngest lad's sphincter! That's Ptown – 2007.
Now, let me chastise my readers. Many of you have been e-mailing me asking if Wentworth Miller and Luke MacFarlane are a couple. Come on, people – are my readers so easily led to believe that just because two guys are walking down the street or in a car together that they're fucking? I need a bit more than that – and so should you. Shame on you! Do I believe they are NOT fucking? Not necessarily. But I'm enough of a journalist to require more than an innocent public sighting. When Luke was spied on an escalator in a mall with T.R. Knight, suddenly they were boyfriends. Grow up!
Lance Bass is growing up – FAST. Since joining the Broadway cast of "Hairspray" three weeks ago, he's had nothing but bad press and Internet attacks. People say he's nasty to fans, won't allow photographs, and walks around like he's got a stick (or some other object) up his ass. I've been around when Lance has been approached by fans, and have NEVER known him to be anything other than gracious and accommodating. Another rumor down the toilet. Bass also claims that some of the quotes published in a "New York Magazine" piece were out of context and gave the idea that he hates NYC. He actually calls himself a "Proud New Yorker." I, for one, am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one, too (although it takes more than a month to make it in the Big Apple).
"Hairspray" star Nikki Blonsky would like to take another crack at the role of "Tracy" – this time on stage. The film's leading lady has admitted she's got the bug for live theater. Nikki can take heart in the news that Marni Nixon, who was the singing voice of Audrey Hepburn in "My Fair Lady," has joined the national tour of the same musical – only this time she'll be playing "Mrs. Higgins." She did the role earlier this year with the New York Philharmonic alongside Kelsey Grammer, Kelli O'Hara and Charles Kimbrough. And, by the by, Nixon has played the role of "Eliza" on stage over the years – including a famous revival at City Center in NYC.
When I don't have room for a question, a blind item, or a celebrity nude, it's definitely time to end another column. Oh, OK, I'll throw you a bone – so to speak. This week everyone's been talking about Owen Wilson. Everyone's said pretty much all there is to say. Still and all, I live to serve my readers, and you have asked for some risque shots of Owen. Ask and you shall receive. You can ogle Owen at http://www.BillyMasters.com. If you are feeling neglected, drop a note to me at [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before I adopt Leona's dog! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
