By Jody Valley
The closet is warm and 'safe' for some
Q. I have a bit of dilemma and would appreciate your advice. I have been involved with my partner for 25 years. John (not his real name) and I have a good relationship. We have some of the same problems as other couples, but for the most part we are happy. I work for myself as a contractor and I am financially independent. John is a public figure and makes good money, but is in constant fear of losing his job, if anyone finds out he is gay.
The problem is that we have led a very closeted life for years, and as long as John is in this job, I don't see it changing. We mostly do things together at home, but try not to be seen together, too often, on the outside. When we do meet up for dinner or something, we go in separate cars and try to appear as just two friends. For me this is getting very old, and I don't know how much longer I am willing to go on like this. I have become involved in some men's groups and have seen what we have been missing. Before I knew there was a community like this, I just assumed I would always live a lie, and I was willing to do it for the sake of our relationship. Now I just don't know. When I am out in the world around other gay men, I feel so alive. For the first time in many years, I feel like I am being true to myself. I feel more whole and okay about myself as a gay person. The down side is that I feel selfish when I go off and leave John at home, while I am out and enjoying life–and other men (not sexually, of course).
John and I have discussed the problem and he is not willing to give up what he does, so that he can to be free of the constraints of living a life of lies. He says he doesn't know what he would do if he lost his job. Also, he feels he would be mortified if he got fired and so is unwilling to take any chances.
I have told him I would be glad to support him so finances aren't a problem if he loses his job, but that doesn't seem to matter to him. He tells me to go ahead and go out without him, but I think that doing that would just be leading to trouble in our relationship. The more I go out, have fun and feel free, the more resentful I feel about his choosing not to take a chance and make some changes.
We have discussed this several times, but the discussion leads to nowhere. Do you think I am being selfish by going out without him? What do you see as the future of our relationship?
Out and About
A: To answer your question, no, I don't see you as selfish when you go out without John. But, I certainly see why you would feel that it has a good chance of ruining your relationship. Have you talked with John about your fears when you are going out alone or with friends without him, and how it could potentially damage your relationship?
I certainly understand that John has been living this way for a long time, and it is tough to make new decisions to live differently. He hasn't experienced the "cage being opened," as you have. Also, John has a lot more to lose than you do by living more openly. He may need some more time to sort through things and make a decision. In the meantime, are there any groups or activities that you feel would be safe for you and John to attend, together? Are you willing to continue to live as you are now with John staying closeted, and your coming out? (Even your coming out can be damaging to John and his career.)
