By Jody Valley
Put yourself into the equation
Q: I'm writing to you because I just don't know what to do next. Here is what's going on: I've been in this relationship with "Sue" now for almost a year. I really love her, but it has been a real nightmare, in many ways.
Sue has had a very difficult life. She's been in and out of drug/alcohol treatment centers; none of them have done her very much good. She has had two marriages with men, and many other relationships with women… and men. She once told me that she wouldn't ever be able to remember everyone whom she had a relationship, let alone sex with.
She has a teenager who is out-of-control and in trouble with the law. Her parents are both alcoholics and are caring for a younger child of hers who is 10 years old because Sue is not able to care for the girl. You can just imagine how well the 10 year old is being cared for. I've tried to get her and do things with her as much as I can, but frankly, I have my hands full with just Sue.
Sue stays out until all hours of the night, going to bars and dancing, as she loves to dance. I have to get up early in the mornings so I can only go with her on weekends to keep my eye on her. She's drinking too much again, and I'm guessing that she is drugging again as well, though I am not that good at knowing the signs.
Sue has also gotten into gambling, which is new since she didn't used to do that. She has lost so much money, not that she had much. But now, she has to pay people back since she has borrowed money. I don't know how she's going to do that without a job. She had not been employed for almost as long as we have been together. I think she lost it several weeks after we started dating. I know that she's looking, but she doesn't feel that good most days, probably because she's been out the night before and has a hang over.
I've lent her money, money that I don't expect to ever see again. You might say that I have a lot invested in her right now, both in money I've lent her and time. I even tried to get her back into treatment. I had heard of a place that people who had gone to it said it was great and had saved their lives, but Sue didn't want to go to it. She just said that these places don't help her out, so what was the use of them.
Here's my question to you, I hope that you can help me. I love Sue and I can see a lot of potential in her. I've been trying to help her get back on her feet, trying to get her to value herself, and not do things that are so harmful to her, but I'm apparently not doing a good enough job. She just doesn't seem to get it. Do you have any ideas?
'Run Around' Sue's Partner
A: The problem here is that you are doing all the work, and she isn't. My guess is that she likes it that way. However, it's her life; SHE needs to make the changes. You can't do it for her, or make her want to. Right now, I'm more concerned for you and I'm wondering if you always go for fixer-upper-partners. If so, I have to tell you that you have a termite-infested one, this time. I can't know if Sue is going to rehab herself in this lifetime, but if I were you and still wanted to look for a fix'em-up lover, I'd go looking for someone with more promise. Or, start looking into why you chose (or choose) this kind of woman. In the final analysis, as far as your life is concerned, this is all about you and what you do and whom you pick, not about Sue.
