By Jody Valley
Perfect family for you
Q: I am a 35-year-old gay man. I am married; I have two wonderful children and a wonderful wife. I know this must sound strange to you, but it is true. I am also involved in a relationship with a man who is also happily married and has children. Both of our wives know and are supportive of our pursuing our relationship with each other, as well as staying in the marriage. I knew I was gay before I got married; in fact, I discussed it with my girlfriend, now my wife. But I wanted to be married and to have children, and I do love my wife. She is a wonderful woman. The only thing lacking in our marriage is I am not sexually attracted to her. We have an open agreement that either of us can pursue a relationship with another person as long as we respect our relationship and children. So far it works quite well. I am very careful about not scheduling my time with him that would interfere with family activities and I always let my wife where I am and when I will be back. So far she has chosen not to have a relationship with anyone else, but it is certainly open for her if she is interested. I just want you to know that this is common in the gay community, but it is very seldom discussed because people think of it as cheating. All families are not the same, ours works for us.
A: Thank you for your letter. It sounds like this does work for you and your wife.
Another response from readers regarding feeling discriminated against in the work place because of dress on the job, wearing earrings, appearing effeminate, etc.:
I want the world to know
Q: On Ordered To Be Silent: I am African-American bisexual. I have suffered this all my 20 years of working. What's different? I am older, more experienced, and finally over society and my family, and will choose to spend the rest of my career, if necessary, fighting this with formal write-ups, intentions to take harassment to court, and a detailed pointing out of differences in treatment. Hey, it's MY career, and I've already spent 1/3 of it.
My family was against being too "visible" with conservative, yet different hairstyles, and gold/silver ear studs. Unfortunately, for so many people (regardless of sexual orientation), economics decides how they play with self-presentation. Well, my time is coming and I'm ready to look at what I want and how I want to show up in the world. I am confident that I can do a good job at work – and now, I want to enjoy myself while there…like everybody else.
Thanks, Jody, for the column. It's a real boost of assistance.
I Like Studs
Manufacturing 'coverup'
Q: This in response to the recent letters in your column about people getting harassed on the job due to how they look. I've been dealing with this myself. The difference with me is that I'm a dyke! Believe me, there's lots of harassment coming down this way. Even though I work in a manufacturing atmosphere, I am easily identified as a dyke and given lots of grief from my boss and my fellow workers. The women avoid me because they don't want to be seen with me because they might get the same treatment as I get. A few of the women I know are dykes as well, but they cover it by looking pretty femÑthough I see some of them out in the community and they are NOT fem.
I guess for me, it is important to be who I am, even though it costs me plenty. I know I won't get promotions like others, but I just keep doing a good job. They know I am a good worker√ëbetter than most–so I keep my job. I have a good support system out side of work and that keeps me sane, or at least functionally sane.
Hear It From the Women
A: Thank you both for your input!
