By Jody Valley
You can teach new tricks
Q: I am a 36 year old male living in the outskirts of Detroit. I have a really good life. I have a good job, plenty of money, a house on a lake, a boat, and lots of friends. I am good looking, have a nice body, enjoy and excel in many sports, am intelligent and have a good since of humor. I date lots of different men and am never left with nothing to do. I usually just play the field without getting terribly involved (emotionally) with anyone.
My problem is that I recently met a man that I am totally fascinated with, someone that I could see spending the rest of my life with. He is exceptional in many ways; the only problem is that I am not that attracted to him, sexually speaking. I want to spend all my time with him, but I have little desire to go to bed with him. He is just not that great of a lover. Maybe I am very spoiled because I have been with many really good lovers. The last man I was with was so skilled. I don't know if I could teach Sam (not his real name) to be a better lover or if I could ever really want to have sex with him that often. I guess what I am scared about is if sex isn't that good now, what will it be in 10 years? I have thought about just having casual sex on the side, but it is important to Sam that we are monogamous. He is so afraid of getting something, and he also just believes in monogamy. To me, it doesn't make much difference. I can easily have sex with someone without being involved with that person, but I want to respect where Sam is coming from. Do you think I could teach Sam to be the kind of lover I want? Can a person become more sexually attracted to someone over the years? By the way, Sam doesn't think there is anything lacking in our sex life, but is willing to try new things.
Willing to Teach
A: It's certainly seems worth the try. Sounds like a lot of fun for both you and Sam.
Be true to the one that counts: you
Q: I have been with "Shawna" now for four years. We got together way too early in our dating Ñ you know, the lesbian U-Haul-on-the-first-date sort of thing, though actually it was the third date in our case. Shortly after we got together, I felt that it wasn't the right thing for me to do, but here I am four years later and still not gone.
It isn't because I don't like Shawna because I do. It is just that I think that I am not the settling down kind of woman, at least not at this time in my life. I have so many things I want to do in life. I want to travel, have different kinds of jobs to see what I really want to do in life, and just experience things. I am 25 years old and just not ready for commitment.
My problem is that I have tried to leave, but Shawna gets so upset that I end up coming back to her. This has happened six times in our relationship. I tell her that I care for her, but that I'm not ready for commitment. I leave. She gets so distressed and begs me to come back, and I do. I was really holding out last time but she threatened to commit suicide! I cannot stand the thought that I might cause someone to commit suicide, especially someone I like and care for. Our friends have worried about her committing suicide if I leave, too. They believe she will do it.
I am feeling so stuck and unhappy. I feel like my life is going to end here in this house and that I will become a dried up old lady whose tomb stone will read: "Lived The Wrong Life and was miserable." So, am I stuck for life and destined to live a life I don't want in order to keep Shawna alive?
In the Wrong Life
A: You are not doing Shawna or yourself any favor in staying in the relationship; eventually, you both ending up hating each other. Her getting upset, begging and suicidal statements manipulate you into staying. It has worked six times, so it's time to do something else. I suggest that you get Shawna into counseling. Tell her that you want couples counseling to see where the relationship should be going, or something of that nature. By getting her connected into counseling, you will be able to discuss your relationship, and she'll have support and help when you talk about your feelings and needs. Whenever you decide to leave the relationship, go, and don't return! Shawna will have the therapist to help her through. I really doubt that she will commit suicide, but even if she were to, you are not responsible for another person's behavior.
