By Jody Valley
Going backwards with the church
Q: My partner, "James," and I have been together for three years, actually, almost four. We are very committed to each other, in fact, we are surely soul mates. We are very out in the open about our relationship and live in a place that we be pretty safe about it.
So what's the problem? Well, James has a professional job that he is doing very well in; however, he says that he knows he has a calling in another profession, which is the ministry. He says that he has always felt this way about the ministry; it's just that he was talked into his current occupation by his father. (I'm not saying what it is as I don't want to give us away to our friends.) As I said, he's good at what he does, but feels a need to "serve the Lord."
I don't have a problem with his being so religious or that he would have to go back to school and re-train. I would easily support him about that, which I would financially have to do. What I do have a problem with is that he belongs to a Christian denomination that doesn't approve of our gay relationship Ñ go figure, but he does! I bring this up to James, but he doesn't see it as a big issue. He states that we will have to be more in the closet, but that we can handle that. He says that we will take nice vacations where we can have our "out" time. Well, I can't! I don't want to! And, why should I accommodate a religion that doesn't approve of me to begin with? That seems like a big backwards step for our lives. I don't even know if I could. I don't feel like it is an option to break up with James because I love him dearly and I do want him to be happy in life. I don't want to stand in his way. Do you think I am being selfish not wanting to go back into the closet?
Not a Closet Case
A: I surely can understand that you do not want to crawl back into the closet. Even if you eventually said that you would do that, you would likely resent him for it. Furthermore, this all seems a quite one-sided, towards James. Where is the compromise? It doesn't seem that hard to me, like he choose a Christian denomination that is accepting where he can "serve the Lord." It seems that if he cares about you, accepts your financial support, and wants a two-sided relationship, he'd be willing to find that denomination Ñ there are accepting Christian churches.
Get real with the whirlwind
Q: I've been going with "Jan" for about seven months. I enjoy her and like to do a lot of things with her. I've always felt that way with her. I figured that I would eventually fall in love with her because I like her so much and enjoy being with her, but I find that I haven't. In fact, I'm attracted to another woman.
The problem is that about four months ago, I told Jan that I loved her. I know that was the wrong thing to do, but she told me that she loved me, and it seemed horrible for me not to say it back to her. And, in fact, I sort of thought I did, at the time – we were making love. Now, I just sort of say it automatically, but always feel bad afterwards knowing that it isn't true.
Now, things are sort of multiplying and out of control. Last month I agreed to get rings with her. When we got the rings, she decided that we should have a ceremony, and find a place together. I didn't say anything about the place together as I was still stunned about the rings/ceremony, and whirlwind I was becoming a part of. Finally, I got my feet under me and told her that the ceremony would be too expensive. She knew that I can afford it, so when she started pinning me down, I didn't know what to say; but feeling trapped, I said that I would rather spend the money on a great honeymoon. Now, she is working on making it a small ceremony, looking for an apartment for us (she thinks we should start our life together in a new space), and looking into package trips for our honeymoon! I really don't want to hurt her. But, HELP, should I sit down and write her a letter telling the truth, or what do I do now?
Going Down Fast
A: You do what you should have done a long time ago: get real with her! And please, conjure up enough courage to tell her in person. You'll undoubtedly hurt her because of your allowing this to go on as you have; however, she eventually realize how lucky she was not to get involved any further with someone who acts spinelessly, and can't be honest.
