By Jody Valley
Lost the attraction
Q: I have been involved with a man for the last 7 years, well, maybe more than involved; we live together and have been monogamous since we moved in together. I love Bill (not his real name) a lot, but I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. There are so many good things about him; he is very kind, generous, has a good sense of humor, intelligent, has a good job. We have a lot of fun when we do things together, and he is always there when I need him. I feel really bad that I am not attracted to him anymore, but I'm not. He has gotten older and doesn't have the body he used to have. I look and him and just can't get it up. Bill knows this is a problem for me and says he understands that he is not as good looking as he used to be.
I want to continue on with our relationship and just have the freedom to get my needs met outside our relationship. It wouldn't mean anything to me; it would just be one night stands. Bill won't even listen to this kind of arrangement. He says if I don't want him sexually then I don't love him and he wants out. I don't want to lose him, but it's not like I can fake it. How can I get my needs met and still keep Bill? He's important to me.
Unfulfilled
A: Sounds like you're asking me, "How can I have my cake and eat it, too?" Have you talked with Bill about things he could do to excite you? Are you sure this is about his looks, and not something else? If you really love Bill why not get into some sex therapy and see if you can get some help?
Internalized homophobia externally
Q: It was a beautiful day. My girlfriend and I were at the lake. We took a picnic lunch and a bottle of wine to have a special day by the lake. It was our 6 month anniversary. We were sitting on a blanket holding hands, laughing and just having a good time. All of a sudden a man came up and said that he wanted us to leave because his children were playing by the water edge, and he said what we were doing was immoral, and his children were there and he didn't want them to witness our perversion.
I didn't want to leave, but Sarah was very embarrassed and wanted to leave right away. She started crying, picking up our stuff, and running to the car. The reason I didn't want to leave is because I believe that no one has the right to demand that we leave just because we were holding hands. We were not hurting anyone, and if he didn't want his kids to be around us, then he should have taken his family and left. Sarah said she was too uncomfortable to stay and that it is normal to feel that way. I disagree. I think she just has a lot of internalized homophobia. Now, when we go out she always finds a way not to hold hands or get to close to me. She says it is my imagination, but I know she has changed. We can't solve this if she won't talk about it, and I don't know how much longer I can put up with her not letting me get close to her when we go out.
Needing to Connect
A: I'm not sure what your question is but I assume you are wondering how to get the old Sarah back. The one that wasn't afraid to show affection in public.
Her reaction may have been internalized homophobia, or maybe she was scared, or embarrassed. It is important for the two of you to talk about what the experience was like for each of you, and understand that it is OK for you to each have a different experience. Once you find out what was going on, it will be easier to come up with a way to be in public that is comfortable and feels safe to each of you.
