Q: I am writing to you because my boyfriend "John" and I are having an argument, and I am sick and tired of the way he reacts every time we don't agree. The other night we were out at a very nice restaurant with friends; it was our fourth anniversary. The night turned out to be just horrendous. First of all John didn't like the way his wine was being served and he made his displeasure known by getting up and showing the waiter how to make a wine presentation. Well, everyone in the restaurant was watching, and I was very embarrassed. Our friends just looked amused. Next, he didn't think his salad greens were fresh enough; my salad was fine and I think his was OK, too. Anyway, he loudly called the waiter over and sent the salad back, and they brought out another one. I really think it was the same salad but he accepted it. Well, by now I am getting more and more nervous because even though he doesn't behave like this often, when he does get in one of these moods there is just no stopping him. Sure enough when the main course came he announced to everyone in the restaurant that it was uneatable. The manger showed up at our table and tried to politely calm John down. The first offer was to make him anything else on the menu. Then the manager said his meal would be on them and by the end of the dispute the manager ended up paying for everyone's meal at our table, just to shut John up.
By this time I think our friends were as embarrassed as I was. Everyone got quiet and the evening was no longer fun, although John seemed to be quite happy about the whole thing. When we got home I confronted John about his behavior and told him that I would not sit through this kind of behavior when we are out, and the next time I would leave the restaurant. John was really angry and couldn't believe that I felt his behavior was out of line. He thought what he did was acceptable given the service and food quality. I thought the food and service was fine, but even if it wasn't, I don't think he should behave in this manner.
Now he isn't speaking to me, and from past experience he won't until I apologize. This goes on whenever we have an argument. No matter who is wrong, I have to find something to apologize for in order for him to acknowledge me or talk to me. I can't stand it so I always end up apologizing, then it is like we are fine and nothing has ever happened.
I just wish that I could talk to John about things and we could work them out, but I am reticent to talk to him about problems because I don't want to be shut out. When I have told John this he says he thinks everything is fine and that we always work out what is wrong and that he doesn't see any reason for us to change. This disturbs me because I would like things to change.
Jody, what could I say to John to make him understand that our relationship would be better if we could just talk about our problem and make some changes?
A: From what you described to me, your relationship works for John because he never has to be responsible for his behavior. If you have an issue with him, he doesn't need to discuss it because you will apologize for whatever has happened. If you were to end up apologizing this time, it will work again. So, he sees no problems. Why should he? And, do you see how you have enabled him to continue with this kind of behavior by your continually apologizing?
Because your relationship is stuck in this unhelpful, dysfunctional pattern, I suggest you get couple's counseling. John needs to hear from you that your relationship with him isn't working for you, and that you know that you are part of the problem. Admitting that you have a part in the problem will make it more likely that he will participate in counseling. Good luck.
