Q: My boyfriend "Roy" complains about me every Valentine's Day, and this last Valentine's Day was not an exception. He says that I'm not romantic at all. In the past, I've just agreed with him, not thinking I needed to change anything. However, this past Valentine's Day I decided to try to be romantic and do some special things for Roy. So I did: I asked him where he would like to eat out? I got him one of those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and took him to a movie that I heard was really good. After all that, we had great sex. (I bought him a special outfit for the occasion; he looked great in it and it was a real turn on for me.)
All this cost me a bundle and I was sure that Roy would be impressed. NOT. The next day, I was expecting to get some points for being romantic and making a great Valentine's Day for him but, instead, I get nothing but grief from him. First he tells me that I should have picked out a restaurant, instead of asking him to do it. He was also bitchy about the fact that I asked him to make the reservations; my god, he's made reservations before – and can't he participate in the plans?
Then it comes out that he's on a diet and doesn't want to have something like a box of chocolates around the house to tempt him. And, I should know that he's not that fond of milk chocolate – which is what this box of candy was – and that he really only likes dark chocolate. Frankly, I've never noticed when he eats chocolate what the hell kind it is. I'm not a candy eater.
Now, about the movie, he didn't like it. He tells me that I should know that violent films are upsetting to him. Well, I do sort of know that, but this film was supposed to be really good, so I thought it would be OK. A guy at work told me about it and it sounded really good to me, so I thought Roy would like it anyway. (There wasn't that much violence in it.)
Our sex was good, but Roy wasn't as crazy about his "outfit" as I was, but still, he didn't complain about the sex.
I thought that I was being a romantic person, at least somewhat, but apparently not according to Roy. Jody, I feel like I really tried; where did I go wrong?
Cupids Flunky
A: I would say that one of the most important qualities about being romantic is to know the other person's likes/loves and working to make that happen. I think Roy would have liked you to know the kind of foods that he likes and have you pick out a restaurant, perhaps some place new or a restaurant that has been significant, romantically, to the both of you. He also wants you to know things about him, such as his likes and things that are important to him. For instance, he'd like you to be aware of the fact that he is trying to lose weight, and if he weren't, that he's a dark chocolate guy, not a milk chocolate one. Roy would also like you to know that no matter how good a violent movie is, it's not a good choice for him. As far as the sex was concerned – glad it was good, but maybe you should have also bought an "outfit" for yourself, one that Roy would have liked to see on you.
If you want to set up a romantic night for someone, it's important that you know that person's likes, loves and desires (not that you can't throw in things that you enjoy as well). You can't know these things if you don't pay attention 24/7/365. Relationships are about learning about each other. If you focus on really trying to know Roy, next Valentine's Day will be different.
P.S. Are you a romantic? Want to find out? Visit Jody's Facebook page by searching for "Dear Jody Valley."
