By Romeo San Vicente
Jackie Warner and Scary Spice fight your fat
Finally. Romeo had been lamenting the loss of lesbian personal trainer Jackie Warner from the Bravo line-up of shows (especially that whole girlfriend who likes to bite arms storyline – a total classic), but it turns out they were just re-inventing her. Coming very soon? The excellently-titled “Thintervention with Jackie Warner,” where the client’s drama will replace Jackie’s, giving the expert a chance to do what she does best: brutalize chubby people into good health. Meanwhile, over at Oxygen, season two of “Dance Your Ass Off” will demonstrate that while weight loss is cool and all, watching plus-sizers dance to “Pump Up The Jam” is even better. And the new host is Mel B. That’s right, Scary Spice, who probably doesn’t really need the work, but is taking it on anyway. Sit down this summer with a pint of Haagen-Dazs and a bag of Cheetos and enjoy!
Patton Oswalt on Broadway. No, seriously.
Comedian Patton Oswalt is coming to Broadway. And not just to be the first heterosexual to see “Wicked,” either. He will, instead, be on the stage in the revival of Terrence McNally’s “Lips Together, Teeth Apart.” And if it seems like a strange move, then that’s because you haven’t been following the man’s non-stand-up career, which included a lovely voice performance in Pixar’s “Ratatouille” (he was the main rat) and, even more impressively, a dark, unnerving turn as an obsessive football enthusiast in the acclaimed 2009 indie film “Big Fan.” Oswalt will be joined on stage by the talented Lili Taylor and stage vet Megan Mullally for the play, which begins previews on April 9 for an April 29 opening. Just remember fans, it’s not the Comedy Store, it’s a theater: no heckling allowed.
Ellen Barkin’s having a ‘Shit Year’
A while back, Romeo reported that idiosyncratic filmmaker Cam Archer would follow up his melancholy gay coming-of-age art film “Wild Tigers I Have Known” with a strange tale of OCD hair-plucking called “Pull,” and that it was to star Karen Black. Well, things change. And they change big. The finished product now stars Ellen Barkin and is called “Shit Year.” (Weirdly enough, more people wanted to fund it with that title.) Debuting at this year’s Sundance Film Festival, and co-starring Melora Walters and Rickie Lee Jones, it’s the story of a middle-aged actress who quits the business to isolate herself, pull her hair out and do a little outer space travel. In other words, it sounds even more amazingly weird than it did before. Somebody please pick up this movie and get it into Romeo’s local arthouse theater ASAP.
Lady Gaga demands her own comic book, gets one
Alright, no, she didn’t demand to be a comic-book character. But what other contemporary celebrity fits the comic-book bill better than her? She already has the outlandish superhero-like outfits. So here comes the seemingly hyper-productive Bluewater Comics (the same people putting out the upcoming Ellen DeGeneres comic book) and their “Fame” series, which will chronicle the lives of bigger-than-life entertainers. Gaga is first in the publication pipeline (but who approved the simple purple tube top on the cover?), and upcoming issues will feature “Twilight” heartthrob Robert Pattinson, Taylor Swift, 50 Cent and David Beckham. At this rate it won’t be long until Lady Gaga has her own TV variety show, a biopic in theaters, a statue of her likeness somewhere in Romania, a satellite with her face painted on it, an honorary doctorate from Yale, a line of soft drinks and an appointment to chair the NEA. Now watch about half of those suggestions actually happen.