Dear Jody
I really don't have anyone to talk about this, so I'd appreciate some guidance, please. (I am changing the names of each person to protect their privacy.) I have a friend, "Dee," whom I have known for six years. A year and a half ago, her girlfriend, "Kathy," of 14 years left her for another woman, "Jesse."
It is an understatement to say that Dee is bitter, angry, and hurt. Because of her angry words, threats and such during this time following the break up, she has systematically lost almost every friend she had.
Let me tell you, I've personally dealt with my girlfriend "Kris" who expresses every emotion with anger, too. Because of this behavior over 10 long years of a relationship with Kris, it has made me insightful of the insecurities of a controlling individual. For example, if I go alone (she works afternoon shift) with a friend to the movies or anywhere really, she calls me before, during, and after. I go with the full knowledge that she is displeased with my going and I will "hear about it" for weeks.
Another thing, if I say something to someone and Kris disagrees with what I have said, I hear about it! She can reduce my confidence with her negative comments. With Dee, and her particular group of ex-friends, Kris has been very verbal about her dislike of them – I'm beginning to wonder if her pessimism isn't warranted. Let me tell you why:
I was invited to a small 50th birthday party of a woman recently and Kris and I attended. Kris warned me that Dee would be upset with me for going because it was at her ex-best friend's house and an ex-girlfriend would be there as well.
I am good friends with a few of the other women that were to attend and really wanted to go. I work long hours running an in-home daycare in the heart of Detroit, so other than my clients, during drop off or pick-up times, I don't have the opportunity to mix and mingle with adults much, straight or gay. Nothing untoward happened at the party, and I enjoyed myself.
Two days later, Dee called me because "her Kathy" told her that I had attended, and I related particulars of the party to her. They are still in contact even though Kathy has told everyone it's over. Some of what Dee said was not true, but I couldn't tell if Dee or Kathy made up what was supposedly said at that party. I told Kathy nothing more than that Kris and I had attended and enjoyed talking to my friends that were there, but didn't pay too much attention to what everyone else was doing.
When Dee called me, she started yelling at me about my disloyalty. I told Dee that she wasn't even discussed and let her know that I already have to live with a controlling person. Furthermore, I will not allow her or anyone to dictate to me concerning what I say, do, feel, or where I go, or with whom I associate while there. I told her she had no right to call me and chastise me for attending a party no matter whose home it was or who attended. I went so far as to tell her, after she threatened suicide, that she was not to contact me until, if ever, she realized that she owed me an apology. She's fallen into a well of depression, but I was only willing to throw her a rope to aid in pulling her out, not pull me in with her.
The point is, my good friend "Jane" called me and said nearly everyone is angry for my telling Dee some of the "party particulars." Dee has now gone as far as threatening some of these women with violence. They seem to believe I deserve their displeasure because I was honest in confirming my attendance at the party to Dee, and now Dee is causing extreme turmoil over their having been a get-together and, in her words, "not being invited to her best friend's house, with all her friends that Kathy stole." After all, according to Dee, Kathy's the cunt that screwed around on her!" I hate what Dee is doing to others and herself, but I'm really hurt and unhappy being the brunt of their blame for other people's actions and not my own.
Jody, most of these women are really nice, and I so wanted to get to know them better and hopefully make a few friends. What can I do to rectify this situation?
Lonely and Alone In Detroit
A: Sounds like a hornet's nest to me. You are never clear about what the "party particulars" are and why those "particulars" being talked about are upsetting to people. But, ultimately, if you didn't talk outside the party about what was said or done, then all you can do is let folks know that; after that, you can't control what others think or say. You didn't ask about Dee or Kris, but I sure wonder why – given your description of them – you have those toxic people in your life.
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