By R.J. Beaumia
A note to the Human Rights Campaign: Stop sending me bumper stickers with your contribution solicitations through the mail because I'm no longer giving you money for them. The only reason I'd put one on my car is to get laid.
The little square stickers with the yellow equal sign on the blue background, when placed on the rear window or bumper of one's car, draw little attention from gay-hating straights while signaling to savvy queers that there's a proud brother or sister behind the wheel. You can get a smile – or much more – from a cute guy in any Home Depot parking lot, compliments of the HRC.
For a lobbying group, the Human Rights Campaign wouldn't merit even an honorable mention at the soon-to-be annual Jack Abramoff Audacity in Evil awards. On the contrary, the HRC has accomplished the very difficult task of putting a human face on the cultural bete noire of homosexuality. Since its founding in 1980 it has branched out into an effective civil rights network and has done some very good work.
The HRC is also usually the first encounter that most straights in power have with organized gay life. Understandably, the group needs to be low-key so as not to scare away the skittish heteros, who will in time be introduced to the world of kiddie sex and butt-less pants that we all find so quotidian.
If the Human Rights Campaign was food, it would be Gerber strained carrots; very good for those who need nourishment but can't yet tolerate the rich and spicy. That's not a criticism, however, and not the reason I won't support the HRC.
Bland is one thing, spineless is another.
After the horrible events of 11/2 – better known as the last presidential election – conventional wisdom held that anti-marriage initiatives across the country activated right-wing Christians and conservative Republican voters to turn out in higher numbers than those voting for Democrats, thus costing the country a more moderate, tolerant government. Whether this is ultimately true or not is still being debated, but it's probably safe to say that there is some verity to the theory.
What is true is that during the wound-licking, finger-pointing aftermath, quite a few otherwise sane people and groups got smacked upside the head with an idiot switch. Their conclusion? Gay marriage cost the Democrats the election and it's high time we all make our witness by ditchin' the faggots and start singin' in church.
The Human Rights Campaign was a victim of this homosexual panic and guilt. Shortly after the election, they announced that they would begin a greater outreach to organized religion. Like a big, dumb dog they rolled around in a rotting Jesus fish and seemed blissful to be covered in the stink.
In their recent literature, the HRC touted its new Religion and Faith Project to "reclaim the faith-based dialog." The goal is to "develop the right language to discuss gay issues in a religious context." Is it proper etiquette to ask your parish priest out on a date while in the confessional, perhaps?
But the HRC goal that would inspire Cervantes is the one to "establish a dialogue with those who oppose GLBT equality on religious grounds." In this country, in this world, at this time, a statement like that is absolutely delusional.
In a time when a huge portion of the world's people live under the oppression of Sharia law and when the planet's most powerful nation is ruled by fundamentalist Christians and other religion-based hate groups, the way to neutralize the volatility of modern life is not to offer your own head on a silver platter.
In Georgia the legislature just passed a measure that will allow the use of the Bible as a textbook in publicly funded schools. Does the HRC really believe that the people who make the laws in this country, dizzied by the influence of the Holy Spirit, encouraged by the appointment of Samuel Alito, will be rendered suddenly rational and sensible with a handshake and a smile?
Let's say that tomorrow every gay man and woman and every gay organization in the country decided that marriage equality, non-discrimination in employment, and personal safety were issues no longer pressing enough to fight for. Gay issues would drop off the political map completely. Does the HRC think that the religion cartels would be satisfied to leave us alone and let us blow each other in peace?
Look, these assholes mean business. Religion is going to go the way of the pterodactyl, Michael Jackson's nose, and the company pension, and they know it. Not right now, of course, and not for a long time, but it will become extinct, thank God, in the future. In the meantime they can keep the pews full by scaring stupid people with the specter of men kissing in public.
To all the churches and people of faith out there who support gay rights, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for backing a just cause, thank you for joining us on our journey and in our struggle for respect and equal treatment under the law.
But because gay rights is a cause founded in ancient democratic principles and fostered in a United States established by men and women seeking escape from the tyranny of state-sponsored religion, people of faith need to join this wholly secular enterprise as, simply, people.
When the Human Rights Campaign wakes up to the realities of contemporary American life and gets some balls, I will once again pay them for getting me car sex.
