Parting Glances : Chicks with what?

By |2018-01-16T16:29:01-05:00June 28th, 2007|Opinions|

PDQ! NEWS SERVICE: 500 persons of Evangelical, Fundamentalist and Ex-Gay faith-based associations met last weekend in Tupelulu, Miss., Bible Belt mecca of America, to launch two new Reparative Therapy outreach ministries.
The new RT ministries are Dykes for Jesus and Hope for Chicks with Trix (not to be confused with Dixie Chicks, for which there is no hope).
“While past focus has been mostly on gay men, these RT programs — ‘haphazardly homo to harmlessly hetero’ — will reach thousands of special needs sinners,” says Rev. Winston ‘Windy’ Chymes, keynoter for the Southern Baptdismal-sponsored Ex-Them-Out for Jesus conference (and recently surprised parent of octuplet boys).
“Apart from the fact that dykes and chicks with whatever are oddballs, both groups pose threats to America’s moral fiber — and we all need fiber to prevent signs of mental constipation at home, at church, and at the voting booth where most accidents of conservative peristalsis are likely to happen.
“Plain truth is that dykes are ruining amateur sports: golf, softball, roller derby, basketball, soccer, U-Haul racing. Never in my lifetime have I seen one single dyke humbly bow her head in jock-uplifting prayer before engaging in wholesome, red-white-and-blue, pledge-allegiance-to-the-flag American sport. (Football not excluded.)
“A dyke’s competitive edge is most definitely unChristian. In fact, I’ll be hornswoggled to kingdom come if it isn’t downright demonic.
“As for chicks with whatevers: they’re hit-below-the-belt red herrings. Ask yourself as a Bible believer, What’s happening to normal guys when — and especially why — they consort with these two-timing sirens of seduction? It’s Lady T-Hee this. Miss Family Jewel Box that. Never Mistress Truth, Princess Gospel-Charity. Oh, no. Heathens all.
“And their tabloid ads! Triple D-cup photos. Dingle dangle stats. Look, if you dare. I did. It took me a year to get my bearings straight. A colleague — a God-fearing Ohio Republican — told me that just after one peek-a-boo he didn’t know who or what was a-comin’ or a-goin’ (politically speaking).
“No! by all that’s high-caloric righteous, you can’t have the devil’s spice cake and eat it too. Now thankfully Hope for Chicks with Trixs brings salvation to these lost, unshorn sheep, enabling them through generous, tax-deductible contributions to take operational steps to become what God intends them to be: full-fledged Christian women, ready for any missionary position heaven sends them. On your knees, America! Amen! A-women!”
During the RT conference rumors surfaced that recent Pentagon chemically induced homosexuality experiments also included chemically enhanced water cooler drinks to foster straight thinking at military schools, steam baths, Episcopalian seminaries, and on Judge Judy shows.
“While battlefield chemistry wasn’t very successful (sodomy’s nothing new to harem starved terrorists miles from an oasis), the water cooler ploy (the usual place to pick up coworkers and cubicle temps) is worth looking into,” says CIA agent G. Glengary Meinshafter, a born-again, RT reprogrammed BD/TT/SM devotee.
“Yea, verily,” exhorts Meinshafter, “when it comes down to salvation’s nitty-gritty, nothing’s as effective as round-the-clock EX-ing out! Abstinence! Scofield Bible memorizing! Cellphone checking with RT leaders morning, noon, night for prayer and hands-off-your-boomboxxx bedtime micromanaging! And, for the real cure: 900 50-step meetings in 90 days, while never, never, NEVER! looking at anyone in tight pants, bulging Speedos, cute mini skirts or, heaven forbid, all three at once.”
Workshop sampler: “Lipstick Lesbians: A Bridge between Dykes and Altar-Call Moms”; “Is your Baptist boytoy a goytoy?”; “Are Chicks with Trixs Antichrist?”; “Is Pegging a Washington DC Political Pastime?”; “Impeaching Dan Savage for Jesus”; “Outing the Old Rugged Cross Dresser (a power point presentation with mixed choir).”
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Between The Lines has been publishing LGBTQ-related content in Southeast Michigan since the early '90s. This year marks the publication's 27th anniversary.