I am no fan of Katy Perry. Mind you, I'm not against her or anything like that. It's just that she doesn't really register on my radar screen. I'm perfectly content and capable to conduct just about every day of my life without remembering that she even exists.
Obviously, I don't listen to much Top 40 radio, but I have heard Perry's naughty little pop hit "I Kissed A Girl" several times. It's catchy. It's not painful to listen to, but it's not really my thing. Plus, the first time I heard it I thought, "Hey, Jill Sobule did that over a decade ago and she's actually a lesbian." And then, of course, faux-lesbo duo T.A.T.U. scored a hit with their teen dykes in distress anthem "All the Things She Said" in 2002.
Still, the popularity of Perry's bi-curious ditty does put another dot on the Homosexuality in Pop Culture timeline – even if the lyrics do suggest less a song of lesbian revolution and more an insipid continuation of the "girl power" as marketing trend that began with the Spice Girls. "Us girls we are so magical," Perry sings. "Ain't no big deal, it's innocent."
So I doubt that the song has increased the number of lesbians in the ranks of teen pop fans. Still, it has raised the ire of anti-gay religious conservatives, most notably the Rev. Dave Allison of Havens Corners Church in Blacklick, Ohio.
Earlier this month, when Allison was putting the letters up on the church sign outside he must have had Perry's song stuck in his head. The resulting message? "I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It. Then I Went To Hell."
Unfortunately, Allison got the lyrics wrong. As anyone who has ever heard the song knows, the actual lyrics are, I kissed a girl and I liked it. The taste of her cherry ChapStick."
But I can see how he got confused. After all, while "Hell" and "ChapStick" don't rhyme, they are cognitively related in that having chapped lips is really, really unpleasant. Plus cherries are red, which is the color of Satan, at least as he is depicted on "South Park."
Folks in Blacklick were reportedly upset by the message, according to The Columbus Dispatch, and some majorly unhip and/or out of touch with Christ individuals just didn't get it.
"It's not something that is really a shock if you're a scriptural person," Allison told the Dispatch.
Wait, Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" is part of Scripture? Is there some New New Testament that I'm unaware of?
"We meant that as a loving warning to teens," Allison clarified. "The Scriptures tell us that you should not do what the song tells you to do. The Scriptures are not ambiguous on this issue."
Ah, yes, a loving warning to teens. Of course. Why didn't I think of that? It just so happens that whenever I want to give a "loving warning" to someone, I always use make sure I use the equation: x=Hell. Do not solve for x. Please show your work.
Feel the burn. Don't worry, it's just hate disguised as love.