Celine, Mary, Janet - oh my!

Chris Azzopardi

We can't always have our way. Or maybe – with the perfecto planning of Celine Dion, Mary J. Blige and Janet Jackson – we can. All three queer-loved divas will make Michigan pit-stops on separate days next weekend, and, if the economy wasn't as stinky as a porta-potty and Celine wasn't asking 150 bucks for a close-up view of her beating her chest like a riled-up ape, we might see all three.
So, gays, will our hearts go on if we miss Celine's long-awaited off-Vegas return? Can we not be without Mary J.? And who missed Janet much? The easy way out is to see all three – or save your money for Madonna come Nov. 18. You'll need it.


We do have slot machines. Lots of 'em. So Celine Dion should feel right at home here, when she performs as part of her "Taking Chances World Tour" at 8 p.m. Sept. 26 at The Palace of Auburn Hills. Supporting her latest sales-failure, the vocal enchantress who's majorly talented – and more majorly bizarre – is said to impress with a lotta power ballads, the overuse of "love," and her zany "funny" side. We love to hate (but still secretly love) Celine: Perhaps we want that OMG voice, or our own coliseum, or her husband? Well, the first two anyhow. She's the vocal Cinderella; everyone wants her glass slippers and, by witnessing her do triple-axels with her voice, that just might be the closest you'll ever get to her melismatic over-the-top magic. 'Cause if she gets another coliseum – you're really gonna be screwed.


Pretty much poo, Janet Jackson's critically- and commercially-defunct last three albums (which proved one thing: She likes sex – a lot) couldn't hook an audience. Who wanted to throw them back like a fish that wasn't worth eating – or a penis that wasn't biting? Be glad then that Miss Nasty, who'll perform for nearly two-and-a-half hours during her much-applauded "Rock Witchu Tour" at 7:30 p.m. Sept 27 show at the Palace, is giving tired fans what they want: Classics! According to a set list on Perez Hilton's blog, we'll get "If," "Together Again," "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" and "That's the Way Love Goes," and few songs having to do with this over-sexed image she's been pushing. Good thing – otherwise we'd be left with songs as satisfying as unfinished sex. Which Janet probably knows nothing about.


Like a vocally-deft Michael Phelps, she swimmingly throws her whole high-heeled self into each live gig, fiercely parading across the stage with confidence, style and poise. But are we sick of her? Michigan's been like another home to her – she headlined GM Style earlier this year, co-performed with Jay-Z at The Palace of Auburn Hills and is returning Sept. 28 for her "Love Soul Tour" at DTE Energy Music Theatre in Clarkston in support of her latest, "Growing Pains." Is she trying to squash drama everywhere? Has our economy improved? Then, no. Still, for, like, five minutes we can fawn over concert-must "No More Drama," and marvel in those like-wine pipes that keep us – and her, apparently – coming back for more.


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