Billy Masters
"I don't think anyone cares. Let's face it – it's 2008. Who cares? It's like being told Santa Claus isn't real." – Simon Cowell's candid reaction to the news that Clay Aiken has come out. Kinda like when Jim Verraros ("AI" season 1) told him he came out – Simon's response was, "When were you in?"
This week's column is SO big, it's the size of two columns. So to get all the dish, check out http://www.BillyMasters.com because my print editors would kill me if I tried to squeeze everything in.
I can't think of an entertainer more beloved than Dolly Parton. Just mention her name and people smile. So it should come as no surprise that the world premiere of "9 To 5: The Musical" penned by Dolly was eagerly anticipated. The star-studded audience at LA's Ahmanson Theatre gave Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin a standing ovation just for walking into the theater (Jane Fonda missed this opportunity by arriving too early). The trio sat together alongside film-nemesis Dabney Coleman, and the show began. Fifteen minutes in, a technical snafu – not unlike the one at the first preview. And, as on that first night, Dolly got up and entertained the audience with stories about bringing the show to the stage, effusively thanking her film colleagues – especially Jane Fonda who put the flick together – and sang the title song. All the while, fans took photos and videos to the great displeasure of the ushers who appear to have been instructed to confiscate all cameras and cell phones – including that of Tomlin's escort! Oh, it was gonna be a memorable night.
Just as Dolly was about to sing "I Will Always Love You," she was informed the show was ready to resume, but they'd wait for her to sing the song. "Nah, I'll save that for the next time it breaks down!" Turns out that didn't happen. Instead, we were treated to a faithful adaptation of the film with a winning trio of actresses – Allison Janney, Megan Hilty, Stephanie J. Block. All our favorite moments were recreated effortlessly to the delight of the opening night crowd. And if Parton's score itself is less than memorable, it's nonetheless pleasant and tuneful. The show is undoubtedly a crowd-pleaser and, with some tinkering, should be a huge hit when it arrives on Broadway in the spring.
The next day, the Emmys – at the brand new Nokia Theatre LIVE. There was a huge delay getting onto the red carpet as police closed in on the perimeter. First we were told that a knife was found in a vehicle. It turned out the police found a rifle in someone's car, which made me wonder if Sarah Palin was in town! Maybe she moved on from caribou to Kirstie Alley! All the while, I'm standing in the blazing sun waiting to go through a metal detector! As annoyed as I was, I was better off than Christina Applegate, Glenn Close, Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon who had to duck for cover behind a wall after being let out of their limos. Drama, drama, drama.
I figure the show is about to start when that little midget, Ryan Seacrest, practically knocks me over climbing down from his perch for E! Against my better judgment, I rush into the theater, only to find out there is no alcohol. You know what that means? I'll never run into Charlie Sheen! And there are about a million bathrooms – so no place to stalk the unsuspecting stars. Rushing by me were Ricky Schroeder and his wife Andrea, who is on "Top Design." Andrea and I chatted for a moment (she was impressed that I recognized her dress from the window display challenge on "Top Design"). Then I followed her hubby into the men's room. As I sidled up to the next urinal, I stopped myself from saying hi to Little Ricky.
The show was what it was – what can I say? Denis Leary said it best – "I had no empathy for how bad these five hosts were. And after opening I was like, you know what? I want to see them crash and burn on live TV – I want to see them melt…I was offended as a comedian. I'm so sick and tired of people saying, 'You just write funny lines and put anyone up there.' No. To be funny is actually a job and it takes required training." Sing it!
Maybe La Seacrest should have been more concerned about material and less concerned about capturing footage of Jeff Probst naked for his private collection. Ryan, for some unknown reason, became obsessed with videotaping a shirtless Probst backstage prior to the show starting. Yes, Jeff looks hot, but I'm a gay man. What's your excuse, Ryan? We'll post his video on http://www.BillyMasters.com.
Back to the Emmys. Despite a lack of smoking section and alcohol, several stars were buzzing around during the show. Alan Cumming, Mark Wahlberg, Seth Meyers, Jeremy Piven, Conan O'Brien, Lee Pace, Brooke Shields and Kevin Dillon were all spotted.
Oprah didn't pass by – she changed into sweats the moment she left the stage and drove home to Montecito so she could watch the show on TV. That doesn't mean we didn't snag her long enough to find out she's joining my buddy Jenifer Lewis in the cast of the animated flick "The Princess and the Frog," which will feature Disney's first African-American princess. She will play Anika Noni Rose's mom, while Jenifer is "Mama Odie." No word if Oprah will get a song, but Jenny's is a hoot!
After a quick appearance at the Governors Ball, we were off to the best party in town – the HBO party. Year after year, this swanky soiree has become the place to be seen. It might have something to do with HBO repeatedly winning more Emmys than any other network. Everyone was there. Big winner of the night Tina Fey couldn't have been nicer (didya know she's married to a little person?), while Amy Poehler was kinda crabby (which might have to do with her being about 200 months pregnant). Alec Baldwin was getting his freak-on on the dance floor, while Jamie Foxx wouldn't allow anyone to come between him and the bitches. Everyone wanted to talk to Jay Roach, director of "Recount," which meant more time for me and his missus, Susanna Hoffs. Don Rickles held court at his table. Teri Hatcher made the rounds and posed for photos. Holland Taylor was elegant, while Niecy Nash was as real as can be. I couldn't stop laughing when Kevin Spacey cornered a clearly uncomfortable Adrian Grenier. Most gorgeous couple of the night? Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna.
The TV Guide party featured DJ Samantha Ronson. Of course, the big news was when Lindsay called "Lovelines" the following night and confirmed her Sapphic relationship….well, kinda. When Stryker asked how long they've been going out, Lindsay laughed and then said, "A long…a very long time." Not exactly saying, "I eat pussy," but it's a start.
On the same day, Clay gave "People" magazine the obligatory "Yes I'm Gay" cover story. Not to bash him or anything, but it's awfully suspect when people come out hot on the heels of a CD tanking, a failed TV show, a lost movie career, or the break-up of a band. That's why I give so much credit to Neil Patrick Harris – probably at the peak of his career and talking about it openly.
In case you're wondering, Clay's "People" cover shot with the kid did NOT garner the big bucks Brad and Angie and the twins got. While the Brangelina shot had a price tag of a few million (donated to charity), Clay pocketed about half a mil.
When Clay being gay is news, it's definitely time to end yet another column. I promised a jam-packed column, and I delivered, if I do say so myself. And yet, I have tons of stories sitting here. They could turn up on http://www.BillyMasters.com. If you have any questions, feel free to write me at [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Denis is invited to host next year's Emmys! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
