Q: I’ve been going with “Jean” for two and a half years. I just want to say, right off the bat, that I really love her and I have no doubts about that. And there’s nothing wrong between us; we really have a great relationship.
So, why am I writing, you might be asking? It has to do with the fact that I fear moving in and living with her. We are doing so well, each having our own abodes. I don’t want to mess things up – or have her mess things up – because we are doing so well.
It panics me when she says that we should move in together. She has all these very good reasons why we should live together, like share rent, utilities, blah, blah, blah. And she certainly has a point as it would be a good financial move for us both.
And, for her, it’s not just financial; she points out that we love each other and that should be a reason in and of itself. OK, I know that people in love move in together, but I also know that people who were in love moved in together and it messed up their love. So, that’s my point and fear. If we move in, then maybe I’ll hate the way she makes tomato soup or the way she doesn’t clean out the tub, or she’ll hate me for my many bad habits.
The way things are now, we offer each other our best sides. I like that, and I don’t mind giving my best side for the time we are together, but if I had to do it 24/7, I’m not sure I’d like that. And, if she couldn’t keep up her good side 24/7, I wouldn’t like that either.
I told Jean that I would write to you and ask for your advice. We’re both waiting.
A: I think your signature says it all. You want a part-time relationship. That’s OK if it also works for the other person, but it looks like Jean wants more of a full timer. A full-time relationship calls for two people who are willing to grow, compromise, accept and sometimes change. It’s true that some people who get into full-time relationships break up, but so do part timers; there are no guarantees, either way. At this point in your life, it doesn’t sound like full-timing it is your cup of tea. That leaves Jean with having to decide if your part-time relationship is enough for her.
P.S.: Moving in together for merely economic reasons may work for friends, but not lovers.
Enough with the polka!
Q: Let me just be honest out of the shoot: I hate the accordion. I do love my boyfriend, “James.” However, James plays the accordion. A lot. He loves it. Besides that, he plays different events and needs to practice. (We live together in a small apartment.) And, of course, he wants me to attend many of the events as well. As you can imagine, I hear a lot of accordion music. I hear and dance polka in my sleep.
Speaking of polka, when I go to all these events and James is playing his music, women – from girls to elderly ladies – grab me to dance with them. I am not crazy about dancing with all the ladies; I really mind the music more.
I’ve never told James how I feel about his music, because it means so much to him and I really love him. How can I give my ears a rest?
Polka A Lot
A: Find some other things to do while he’s practicing, like visit others, go to the library, join a group or take a class. You get the idea. If you don’t have an MP3 player, get one. You could plug into that while he practices. Surely, he doesn’t expect you to listen to every minute of his playing or attend every event. If he does, then that’s another issue that needs to be addressed with James. You need a life outside the accordion.