Q: Jody, I thought I had a great relationship with my partner "Janice." We have been together for 14 years; it'll be 15 next February. We had a commitment ceremony just two years ago. Not because we didn't feel already committed, but just like a renewal – a time to verbalize our commitment and love for each other. I tell you all this just to let you know a bit about our relationship. In my mind, it was beautiful. We are well-matched because we have many things we love to do together, and yet we bring different things to our relationship that complement each other. And I feel we have been very loving.
OK, so now to the problem. Lately, Janice has been, well, it's really hard to describe – but the best way to put it is "being absent." It's like she excuses herself from what's happening a lot. She has an excuse for it because she smokes, and I don't allow smoking in our house. (I don't like that she smokes, either, but I can't do anything about that and have learned to keep my mouth shut. I just hope someday she'll decide to really quit, on her own. She has said that she is cutting down and hopes to quit one day.) At home, for instance, she'll just say that she wants to go out for a smoke and that's not so different than in the past; however, in the past month she's been going out for a smoke much more. In fact, I had been worried about that, like instead of on the path to cutting down and eventually quitting, she's been increasing her smoking – a lot. (Like I said, I keep my mouth shut, so I didn't say anything.)
Two nights ago, Janice and I went to a Christmas party at our friends' home. They don't allow smoking in the home, either. So, Janice would go out, even more often than she does at home. I think I had used up all my resolve to keep my mouth shut about Janice increasing her smoking. Not only was it about her smoking so much, but it was getting really rude. She'd leave a conversation at a bad point – like someone would be telling us something, and she'd leave right in the middle of it.
I lost it. The next time that she left, I found a time when I could excuse myself so I could go outside to confront her. When I got out there, she was not only smoking, but I found her texting on her cell phone. No, texting is not the word – that wouldn't have been so bad; she was "sexting" on her phone. I didn't know it then, but I found out later. At the time, she said that she was sending her sister a message. But I'll tell you what, her face said something else.
She really looked guilty when I came up behind her and surprised her. She started fumbling and bumbling and couldn't seem to talk. I didn't know why she was being like that, so all
I did was confront her rudeness around her leaving to smoke all the time. Anyway, later I got to wondering about her behavior and decided to check her cell phone. That's when I realized that she was sexting with another woman.
I was so shocked, horrified and disgusted. When I confronted her, she didn't have much to say to her defense, but then, there is no defense, really. She's moved into the spare bedroom – at my request. I don't know where to go from here. I hate to dump a 14-year relationship that's been good, but I also am so mad and so hurt by her. Janice said that she doesn't want for us to break up (she says that she has never done anything like this before, and I believe her) and that she loves me and doesn't know why she got involved in this telephone sex thing. She says that she's really sorry and doesn't love this woman; it was "a lust thing." I wish she would lust like that with me.
I guess I don't really have a question, just needed to be able to tell someone since I haven't told anyone else. I don't know where to go from here. I guess if you have any advice, I'd appreciate it.
Not the Sexting Recipient
A: I think that you'd be sorry if you didn't give your relationship a chance. Infidelity can be a personal problem issue, but it also can be a symptom of something that is wrong in a relationship. Also, since you said that she's never done anything else like this before in 14 years, then I'm guessing that it is a problem in the relationship. At this point, I suggest that you and her seek couple counseling. I don't think you will be able to work this out if you don't get professional help. Good luck.
