Law-breaking lover
Q:
I'm writing to you because I've had the shock of my life: my boyfriend "Kyle" has a warrant out on him for his arrest. Of course I didn't know this up until a week ago. I found out about it from a guy who just moved to my state – not Michigan – who knew Kyle when Kyle lived in Idaho.
I learned about Kyle's warrant when I was at the bar. (Kyle wasn't with me at the time.) I was told that Kyle robbed some kind of convenience store two years ago. He moved here about one year and seven months ago. I met him just over a year ago, and we have been living together – in a committed relationship – for five months.
I confronted Kyle on his warrant. After a long time of denial, he finally owned up to it. I didn't know whether I was relieved that he admitted it or upset that it was really true. (I was hoping that the guy in the bar was telling a lie or had the wrong Kyle.)
When I asked Kyle to tell me about the robbery, he acted like it wasn't that big of a deal, and that it was the only time he had ever done anything like that. I know that he's not religious, but I made him swear on a Bible that he hadn't robbed any other places before that, or since then.
I still don't know if I believe that he's hasn't been involved in other robberies. I say that because he spends a lot of money – more money than I think he earns. (He has a job where he told me that he gets paid under the table – the under-the-table jobs are the only two jobs he has had here.) I've wondered about his money situation before, so I'm not questioning it just because I found out that he robbed a place. The fact is, I now have lots of questions in my mind, like did he get so much money from the one robbery that he has enough to splurge on things, or is he still robbing places? Or maybe when you don't pay taxes, you can afford a lot more. I'm also wondering if he has only under-the-table jobs so he can't be traced. As you see, this is making my mind whirl around like a top.
Now, I don't know what to do or think. I have no one to tell, that's why I'm letting it all out to you. I'm sure you won't tell me what to do, but do you have any words of wisdom?
Out of My Mind
A: If I were you, I'd step back and take note of and add up all the red flags you have here. Kyle admits to robbery – after lying about it. He has a warrant out for his arrest. He "acted like a robbery was no big deal." He's taken only under-the-table jobs, and he spends a lot of money that he may or may not have earned.
Questions you might want to ask yourself: Do you trust Kyle? Do you respect him? Can you live with him having a warrant over his head? Are you in any legal jeopardy because you know about his crime? Do you believe that he is, now, not involved in any kind of crime?
You can confide in a therapist. It may be helpful to you to seek out a counselor to help you with these important questions – and a lawyer to answer the legal ones. In fact, if Kyle is willing, talk to him about all these questions in couple's counseling. Let him know your struggle with what you've learned. As long as Kyle is not threatening to kill someone or kill himself, he will have the therapist's confidentiality. If he is in doubt of this, have him anonymously call the counselor and ask. Even if he doesn't go, you should if you are still struggling with a decision.
