Q:
I am involved with a woman, "Julie," who lives part-time in my city. The reason I say "part-time" is because her job takes her back and forth between where I live and two other cities. I've been involved with Julie for almost two years.
When I first met Julie, in a lesbian bar, we hit it off big time. We spent the whole night talking. It was like we had known each other for all our lives. Julie told me, that first night, that she had just gotten out of a bad relationship (eight-plus years) and was not ready for another. I really understood that and never pressed her for any kind of commitment; having said that, we continued to see each other every time she was in town. Between times, there have been many e-mails, texts and phone calls.
Julie used to stay in a motel when she was in my town. Then, a few months after we met, I told her that there was no reason she couldn't stay with me when she was here. That went over well with her because she told me she hated living out of a suitcase in motel rooms. So, since then, she has come to my house when she's in town.
Our relationship became physical very quickly. I promise you that I didn't push the sexual part, but she was willing. Honestly, I have to say, it came after another night at the bar and too much to drink for both of us. But the next day, we talked about it and agreed that there was a real physical attraction that just couldn't be denied. I understood at that time that she wasn't really ready for a relationship, and that was OK with me because I was willing to wait for her to be ready.
Our non-committed relationship continued for three or four months, then finally it became a "real" relationship – a committed one, not just a sexual one. I was on top of the world.
Julie only spends about 10 days or so a month with me, as the other days she has to be in the other two cities. I knew this going in and it was worth it for me. I figured I could take it, but it was harder than I thought. So, a week ago I decided to surprise her with a visit.
Unfortunately, I was just as surprised as Julie. I decided to drive to her condo – her place in another city. Since I talk to her so much, I know what time she tends to get home. I figured that I would surprise her with taking her out to dinner and staying the weekend with her. Just as I pulled into her parking area, Julie's car drove in as well. She had another woman with her! I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I just watched as they parked the car. They both got out and started walking up the sidewalk, hand in hand. Then, they kissed. A quick kiss, mind you, but a kiss that wasn't just a friend's kiss, and a butt-pat that wasn't just from a friend. I got out of the car and ran up to confront Julie. She, of course, was surprised and after quite a scene, the other woman left.
To keep it short, Julie told me that she can't, at this time in her life, be faithful to any one woman. She says that she needs to be free and just be able "to fish freely in the pond."
I feel deceived and devastated. What did I do wrong?
Wrong Fish
A: I surely understand your feeling betrayed, as well as crushed. Julie's honesty about not being able to be faithful to any one woman came way too late and lacked integrity on her part. You asked what you did wrong: It's not wise to get involved with a person who is just out of a bad relationship. After any painful relationship, a person needs time to grieve the loss, heal and evaluate what happened. It's understandable that you allowed yourself to believe that she was ready for a relationship with you; your heart wanted it to be so. Chemistry is a powerful thing that can be wonderful, but just as easily can lead a person to a painful place. I'm sorry for your pain.
