Q:
My partner, "Nina," and I had a difficult Memorial Day weekend. It wasn't just hard for us; it affected our daughter as well.
Nina and I have been living together for nine months. My daughter "Isabella" is 8 years old; she lives with us. Before Nina and I got together, I was with my husband for 10 years (my daughter is his child). I left him, and one year later I met Nina. I didn't leave my husband because I came to the conclusion that I was lesbian. I left him because we were a bad fit, not meant for each other as life partners. I became very depressed being with him, and finally I understood that I needed to leave him.
A year after I left him, he was killed in an auto accident.
As you can imagine, my daughter has been through hell, and she's only 8. First, she had to deal with her mom and dad splitting up, then she has had to deal with her dad being killed. Just for the record, even though I felt like her dad and I were not a good match, I did respect him, and our divorce wasn't contentious.
On Memorial Day, I wanted to take Isabella out to her father's grave. Isabella still talks about her dad and asks questions about him. I feel it's important for me to keep his memory alive for her. I tell her about him. She has pictures of him in her room.
This year, my daughter told me that she wanted to visit her father's grave. I told her that I would take her there. When Nina heard that, she got upset. She tried to make it sound like Isabella was too young for that, but she also said things that made me realize that she is jealous of my dead, ex-husband. (I ended up taking Isabella, anyway.)
The real problem, I suspect, is that Nina knows that I am bisexual. When we got together, she said that it didn't matter. However, I think it does. It's not always what she says, it's her body language. Like, when a good-looking guy goes by, she watches me to see if I'm paying attention. Or if I make a positive comment about a guy, she goes real quiet on me. (I don't act inappropriately, and I sure don't make sexual comments.)
Because she doesn't seem to get her nose out of joint when I'm around lesbians, I've got to believe that her problem is that I might leave her for a guy. (If I left her, it wouldn't be for a guy; it would be because we weren't a good match – like in the case of my ex husband.)
How do I get Nina to see that I'm not lusting after men, and her jealousy in this area is driving me nuts?
Trouble from the Grave
A: You said that you told Nina about your bisexuality before you got together, but it sounds like you need to discuss, in more depth, what your sexuality means to you. She may be concerned that you need to have sex with both genders in order to feel sexually fulfilled.
Have you had a discussion about what commitment means to both of you? If not, it's time. All relationships should have this discussion, and agreement.
In regards to Nina being jealous of your deceased ex husband: I wonder if that has more to do with her needing to feel that she has a place in your family and is not in competition with the memory of your ex husband, especially when it comes to Isabella's love. In order for her to feel that she fits, she has to understand that Isabella can love her father as well as her; on the other hand, Isabella may not – no matter how hard Nina tries – be ready to accept Nina as a step-parent. (It takes time with kids.) Isabella may think that Nina is trying to take her dad's place. This is tricky ground to tread. So, given all that Isabella has gone through, and the problems she's undoubtedly dealing with having lost her dad, as well as acquiring a new stepmom – and to add to that, a gay family – I recommend family counseling with a gay-positive therapist.
Need a guide to step-parenting and blending families? Go to Dear Jody Valley on Facebook.
