Q: My girlfriend "Melinda" came home the other night and announced that she wanted to have sex at least 200 times a year because she heard this is the healthy amount. Apparently she heard this on an "Oprah" show that had a doctor on as the guest. She is really serious. I was shocked because that is nearly once three-and-a-half times a week and not only don't I want sex that much, we don't have time for quality sex that often. For us, the act of lovemaking takes us at least two hours, sometimes more. Well, Melinda won't hear another word about it. She has always wanted sex more often than I have and now she thinks she has a medical reason for insisting upon it.
Last week after the third time, I felt that I didn't want sex for another month. It's like having too much of a good food over and over. Pretty soon that food isn't special. Also, there was no spontaneity. She has come up with a calendar that has all the dates for this month marked. Tonight is one of our nights and I don't want to go home. This has only been going on for a short period of time, so how am I going to feel after a month? What do I do to get her to calm down? Is it really better for us if we have sex 200 times a year?
A Pox on Oprah
A: I didn't watch that "Oprah" show so I don't know what was said or in what context. Perhaps you could go online and look it up so you know what Melinda is talking about. I guess I wonder why Melinda jumped on this number and is insisting that the two of you change your whole sex life so quickly. You didn't say how often you usually have sex but it sounds like it was working for you, but not Melinda, even before the "Oprah" show.
Is this usually the way you and Melinda make decisions? No discussions; just one of you coming up with a decision and the other expecting to follow? If so, I would start there. This can be a time to improve not only your sex life but your communication style.
Relationship fizzling after five years
Q: I've' got myself into somewhat of a pickle. I have been living with "John" for about five years, and we are pretty happy. Of course our life together isn't as exciting as it was when we first got together. We choose to be monogamous even though we have never had a commitment ceremony. This summer I met "Bill." He is married and says that he is miserable with his wife, but he doesn't think he can leave her right now because he has six kids.
When I met Bill we were both on a working vacation and I didn't think I would see him once the vacation was over. We're in the same business and see each other quite often, now. That's partly because we would meet naturally, and partly because we have made it so we meet more often now. But now I don't know how to get out of either relationship, and I am afraid that I will get caught if I keep up this balancing act. How do I decide which relationship to end and which one to keep, not being able to see the future?
Drowning In Pickle Juice
A: Yes, you do have yourself in a pickle. You need to look at why you have taken up this relationship with Bill. Like, what's going on with your relationship with John that allowed you to look to someone else? You indicated that your relationship is not "as exciting" as it used to be and that's true with any relationship after five years, but other positives usually take the place of that initial relationship excitement. If you were to be with Bill for five years, that would be true as well. (Of course you'd have to jump the hurdle of a wife and SIX kids.) Under all of this, you need to decide if having that first relationship high is more important than the other benefits that come with a long-term relationship. If so, that would be a relationship decision to keep moving on after a certain period of time. On the other hand, you could look at the benefits and positives of long-term relationships and work to keep a "spark" in your relationship with John – something folks in all successful long-term relationships do.
Have a problem? Send your letters to: "Dear Jody," C/O Between the Lines, 20793 Farmington Road, Suite 25, Farmington, MI 48336. Or, e-mail: [email protected]
(Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly
