By Jody Valley
Airing out the dirty laundry
Q: I saw the same guy for a little less than 6 months–from last September until February. We had a good relationship until January when the relationship began to fizzle. I cannot really say who is to blame for the end. We had our share of disputes and confusion. But, we still had some really great times.
Our relationship moved rather quickly and we both tried to slow things down after about the fourth month. Over the holidays, we had a major argument which split us apart for a couple of weeks. We discussed things and got back together with the agreement that we would both try and take things slower.
That idea worked for about three weeks before everything came to a screaming halt. The last words we had were his telling me that when I was ready to be in a relationship with him to give him a call. I told him not to hold his breath.
Over the next six weeks we talked, shortly, a few times. Both of our birthdays are in March. We spoke to each other over the phone and sent text messages back and forth. The guy was even good enough to send me a birthday present, which he left in my mailbox.
In April, I started to get messages from him saying that he still loved me and could not figure out how to forget me. I, on the other hand, had started to see other people and found myself back in the dating routine, without looking back. I had not forgotten the guy, but I had decided that I would not look back and figure out what went wrong because it seemed like we just seemed to fight way too much, which made me unhappy. I told him I did not want to be in a relationship where I was constantly fighting.
Then, around the first of May, I had reexamined my thoughts, feelings, and memories. I knew that I had made a fair share of mistakes by not communicating, being more open, being respectful, and attentive of his needs. So I swallowed my pride and made the ultimate call. I called him and we talked for about an hour. It was a mature conversation, mostly just catching up with each others lives. I brought up the topic of dating and sex. I am very open and straight foreword about my activities in bed since our break up.
What I could not handle is when he told me that he had traveled to Nashville and decided to have sex with two other guys whom he had hooked up with. He explained that by having grudge sex and by joining in a threesome, he could get me off his mind. At that point in the phone conversation, I was so discouraged that I knew that there was not reason to try and get back together. Ever since that conversation, I have tried to erase this guy from my memory.
I almost accomplished this until a week ago. I ran into him at the club with his new boyfriend. We were very polite with each another. Now I do not know if I am happy that he has found someone new or that I am sad because I have lost him for good. I would like very much to sit down with him and air out my feelings, but on the other hand I do not want to come back into his world and cause a lot of pain. I have reviewed my feelings and I know now what I could have done better on my part to fix the relationship that we had.
A: I think it is time to let go and move on in life. I can’t see much gain in going over things, especially given that you have pinpointed your part in what caused the relationship to fail; that’s good information for you to change things and do better for the next oneÑthough you still might need to work on being a bit less judgmental, and a tad more forgiving. Or, stop asking about the sex life of someone when you are not involved with that person.