Come back, brother
Q:
I'm writing to you because I know that my gay brother "Jon" used to read your column, and I'm hoping that he still does, wherever he is. Jon has been gone for three years; he's 24 now. He doesn't communicate with any of us in the family – my parents or my two brothers or me, his sister.
I know the reason he stopped communicating. He was angry with my parents for not accepting him when he came out to them. At the time, Jon was in his last year of college when my parents pulled the strings on his financial situation – right before registration for classes – making it so he couldn't afford school. That was his senior year. That's when he dropped out of sight, and we have no idea where he is.
To be honest, my brothers and I weren't that supportive, either – especially my oldest brother, who was downright threatening to Jon. My other brother refused to talk to Jon when he found out that Jon was gay.
As far as I was concerned, it didn't bother me that he was gay; in fact, I knew he was gay. I had seen his magazines, books and Between The Lines newspapers. One day I walked in on him when he was reading your column. (He showed it to me.) I told him then that it wasn't a problem for me. My sin in all this was when he came out to the family, I failed to be a support to him. I used the fact that I was away at college in another state as an excuse, but the reality is I didn't want to deal with my family around this issue. So, when Jon called or sent me emails, I pretty much ignored him or made him feel like he was making too much of the whole thing. I wish I could relive that whole time, but as they say, life is not a dress rehearsal. So, I'm stuck with what I did, or didn't do.
We believe that Jon is OK and alive because flowers have been sent to my parents – every year that he's been gone – on his birthday. We think he's doing that because who else would? However, there is no address attached, and the online florists does not – and will not – give out names, numbers and addresses of the sender. I guess this is Jon's way of telling us that he's alive and reminding us what we did to him.
The rest of my family has grown as well and wish they had done differently, but they just think that Jon will come home when he's ready. They're not into tracking him down, but I am. I don't have money to hire a detective, so I've decided to do an online search for him. I'm just getting started, and I found a friend who knows how to do this and will be helping me.
I'm writing to you hoping that you will print this letter and let Jon know how sorry I am that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. I was too into myself at the time and failed him terribly. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Jon and hope that he is OK and doing well. I love my brother and want him back in my life to tell him how sorry I am for my actions – or more like inactions. I hope he will one day want me back in his life.
Four months ago, I had a son and named him after Jon. I want my son to grow up and know his uncle.
Needing My Brother's Forgiveness
A: For both you and Jon, I hope he is still reading this column, wherever he is. I appreciate your ability to understand and take responsibility for what you did. I know you want your brother's forgiveness, but you also need to be able to forgive yourself. We can't undo what we have done, but we can grow from our mistakes and be a better person in the future, as you have done. Good luck; I hope he gets this message and realizes what a great sister you have become.
P.S. I have given your brother the name "Jon." From the info you gave me in your email, I'm sure he'll recognize this pseudo name, as well as his story.
Want to know more about forgiveness, what it is, what it's not, and how to achieve it? Go to Dear Jody Valley on Facebook.
Have a problem? Send your letters to: "Dear Jody Valley," C/O Between the Lines, 11920 Farmington Road, Livonia, MI 48150. Or, e-mail: [email protected] Letters may be edited for clarity and/or length.
(Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly.)
