Dear Jody
Q: Eight years ago, I moved in with my girlfriend of that time. She had a really good job. I didn't, but it was a job. She had two kids and really wanted me to quit my job and care for the kids. I love kids and decided that that was OK with me.
Jody, I didn't rush into that situation. My ex and I dated for over a year. We both thought it was forever, at least I did. We had a commitment ceremony with all the trimmings, family and friends. My partner had a house from her previous marriage to a man, and she had two cars in her name. When it was all over four years later, I came out of that relationship without a job or keys, I had nothing to use keys on.
OK, that's years ago. This is what's happening today. I'm now in a relationship, again – two years next month. My partner "Arial" also has a great job. I'm currently unemployed. I had a job up until last month, but lost the job in a downsizing sort of thing and haven't been able to find another job. I don't have an education in anything, really, so I have to get low-paying jobs, and there aren't many of those either. So, now I'm broke. Arial said that she would like me to move in with her. She doesn't have any kids. She says that it's OK that I don't have a job. She thinks it would be great if I cleaned, cooked and just "keep house." She currently has a cleaning woman, so I would be saving her money.
I have an old junker of a car that broke down yesterday. I took it to the mechanic and he said that it would cost more to fix it than it was worth, and that there would be more repairs coming up because he saw other things that were going bad on it. So, now I can't afford to even fix it, let alone know that if I could, it wouldn't be worth anything. So, I'm going to junk it. Now I don't have a car, once again.
My fear is that I will end up like last time: no home, no job, no car, out on the street and without a girlfriend. It feels sort of like I've been there and done that. Do you believe in deja vu?
Been There, Done That
A: I certainly understand your fear of not wanting to repeat what previously happened to you. So as much as you can, take control of your life. I realize that it's a horrible job market out there, and you are currently in a bad place financially. If you were to move in with Arial, this could be a great opportunity for you to get some training so that you will be in a better position in the job market when it improves – and eventually it will. (You and Arial need to acknowledge that your job of caring for the home has value.)
You don't indicate if you have discussed your fears with Arial, but if not, it is time to do so. I'll assume that Arial is a loving and caring woman, and that she will understand and support you in getting more education or making things more secure for you. Like you, Arial can't promise or predict the future, but she should want the best for you and understand your concerns.
P.S.: Don't get rid of all your things – that way, you won't feel like you have nothing of your own. You could store some and have other things in the home you share with Arial. It's important for you to have some of your stuff around you.
