• Photo: Facebook

Top or Bottom? Either Way, Happy Belated Birthday to Smokey the Muscle Bear Daddy!

By |2021-08-11T10:52:20-04:00August 10th, 2021|Michigan, News|

The world is on fire right now. Forest fires in California and 14 other states, not to mention those in Greece, British Columbia, and Ontario. Thanks, global warming.

But an image revealed via social media on Monday shows that it’s not just the world’s forests that are smoking hot. Smokey Bear just turned 77 and he is buff, burly and ready for action. This is definitely a guy who is going to have his cake and eat it, too.

I mean, Jesus. Look at him.

Look at those biceps. Those broad shoulders. The last time I saw Smokey he was just, well, your average bear. But clearly the U.S. Forest Service has decided that it is time to fight fire with fire with Smokey the Muscle Bear Daddy.

As of this writing, a GROWLr account claiming to be Smokey has been suspended after the number of unsolicited wood pics sent to the account overwhelmed the app. Smokey says the account is not his and provides as proof the fact that he is a bear who literally lives off the grid.

“I am flattered by the attention,” Smokey says. “But I don’t own or know how to use a smart phone. And even if I did, the reception in my den is terrible.”

Smokey says that he hopes that the attention he is receiving from all of the thirsty bears and furries inspires them to help him prevent forest fires.

“Seriously,” he says. “The majority of forest fires are started by humans. Stop it. I am getting too old for this shit.”

As for his diet and fitness routine, Smokey simply says, “I eat a lot of berries and do a lot of hiking. Oh, and I get my cardio by chasing idiotic people out of the forest.”

When asked if he’s ever killed and eaten a human Smokey says, “A bear doesn’t kill and tell.” He smiles and adds, “But does a bear shit in the woods?”

About the Author:

D'Anne Witkowski
D'Anne Witkowski is a writer living in Michigan with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBTQ+ politics for nearly two decades. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.