Dear Jody
Q: I never thought I would end up writing to you, but I'm too embarrassed to talk with anyone else about this problem. I will try to just tell you the pertinent details about what is going on. I've changed some of the facts and names so we won't be recognized.
"Sarah" and I moved into a new neighborhood three months ago, and this is our first house. It is so nice because we moved from a small apartment and now have room for our stuff. We are so happy about owning our own home at last.
We were also very excited because our next door neighbors, "Jane" and "Sue," are a couple that we are good friends with. At first it was fun having them right next door. We had barbecues, card parties and just hung out together. One night when we were partying, things took on a different tone.
All of a sudden, Jane and Sue were acting really sexual with us and trying to get us to go along. They wanted to have a foursome or change partners. We just thought it was because they were so drunk, so we sort of went along with them, mostly just verbally – a little physically, like sitting on each other's laps. We thought it was all a joke, and just went home when we realized it was more than that.
We were really surprised by this. They know Sarah and I believe in being monogamous in a relationship since we have discussed our beliefs with them several times in the past. The next day, nothing was mentioned and they acted like nothing had happened. The problem is that this is happening every time we get together and drink. We don't even need to be drunk; just a drink or two and they start up. We will be sitting around, and Sue will come up and put her arm around me and nuzzle my neck, or Jane might go up to Sarah and start stroking her leg, that kind of thing. Then they will joke about what fun the four of us would have in bed together.
They have always joked about this kind of thing, but we thought they were just joking and went along with it verbally, as I've said. When they are not drinking, the sexual stuff doesn't come up and it is just like old times. Sarah and I are not interested in this type of thing, but we don't want to offend them and lose their friendship. We don't want things to be awkward, especially living right next door.
We wonder if they even know what they are doing, because they're drinking every time it happens. We want things to go back to before, when we just had fun together. Now every time they get near me, I want to run. I don't have any fun when they are around, even when we aren't drinking. Since we live next door, it's not like we can just stop seeing them. Plus, I really miss the closeness I used to feel. What do we do so things can be like they were before?
Twosome And Happy
A: I believe they do know what they are doing, even when not drinking, but drinking probably loosens their inhibitions. You have, in the past, sent mixed messages to them, even if it was "mostly just verbally," so your communication with them has been unclear.
You need to set aside a time to talk to Jane and Sue – when no one is drinking. Tell them just what you told me. Let them know that you value their friendship, and that you don't judge them and that you don't want to lose them as friends, but that you are not interested in anything beyond friendship. It is important to set boundaries (and not mixed messages) with them so they know what is OK with you and Sarah and what isn't. It's also important that you and Sarah 'fess up to having sent them mixed messages – even if it was inadvertent.
