Javier Beltran and Robert Pattinson star in 'Little Ashes,' which opens in Royal Oak tomorrow. Photo: Regent Releasing
Robert Pattinson sucks in "Little Ashes." And not in the way many of you'd hope. Then again, he goes down (no more puns after that one – promise!) with the rest of the "biopic," a snoozer that reduces two legendary artists – poet/playwright Federico Garcia Lorca and surrealist artist Salvador Dali – to archetypes of repressed gay people in period costumes. Think Jack and Ennis … as boring artists who haven't figured out what a little spit can do.
Those without an iota of familiarity concerning either's psyche – Lorca (a mediocre Javier Beltran in his film debut) was a celebrated dramatist, executed for opposing political views; Dali, a quirky, renowned painter – would profit from peeking at a history book or taking a trip to an art museum. Even checking out Wikipedia. Not this sluggish drama, which hones in on a love affair between Dali and Lorca, stacks on melodramatic subplots and then topples over in absurdity.
Part of the problem is Pattinson. The dreamy British actor responsible for swooning tween girls and gays with his "Twilight" role is about as ridiculous as the later-adopted upside-down mustache: thrashing his paint brush against a canvas when he's pissed (of course!) and half-assing a Spanish accent that sounds closer to a creepy Transylvania dialect. He's more parody than portrayal.
Arriving at a Madrid art school in effeminate garb, Pattinson as Dali magnetizes the attention of his new schoolmates – especially Lorca and Luis Bunuel (a solid Matthew McNulty), a homophobic filmmaker.
Lorca is drawn to him immediately, but you'd never know what he sees in the young Dali. He's creepy, self-absorbed and bug-eyed – so, yeah, as much a catch as Perez Hilton (if he wore frilly shirts and did something of significance). Still, Lorca falls for the bonkers artist – a no-no in 1922 Spain, where homosexuality is against God and man – setting the stage for a tragedy that's only tragic in that we can't feel a smidgen of emotion for such broad characters.
British director Paul Morrison's narrow-minded vision – paired with a shallow, stilted script from first-time screenplay writer Philippa Goslett – doesn't acknowledge their art, really. And it decidedly makes no strong statements about it.
Without an illuminating script – or many solid performances, save for Marina Gatell's touching performance as Lorca's unrequited lover, Magdalena – all the film's work is left to the technical aspects: stylish aesthetics, cheesy music. Even worse than the romantic guitar melodies is the thickly accented English. Even if you're into the film, you'll be paying it more attention than you should have to.
But fans with pin-ups of Robert Pattinson won't give a rat's ass if they miss every other word of dialogue. They'll pay just to check out his pubic patch. Or see him in some cliche cologne commercial-like kissing scene where he's swimming au naturel under a full moon with another dude. Or laugh unintentionally while he wanks to Lorca banging Magdalena.
Whatever Morrison's "Little Ashes" knows about his two protagonists, it's barely translated. Hot guys, sex and a disturbing mustache is about all Morrison offers in this generic gay love-centric romance that conveys little about the influence of either genius – except that their hushed affair may have inspired "Brokeback Mountain." D+
'Little Ashes'
Starts June 26
Main Art Theatre
118 North Main St., Royal Oak
http://www.landmarktheatres.com
