The year's just started, but there are a few things I need to get off my chest.
1. The high price of underwear
Like any other red-blooded gay American male, I care about the underwear I put on my juicy booty – but there's a limit to how much I'll pay. Have you seen these prices lately? A pair of MeUndies briefs will set you back $24; $28 for a pair of Mack Weldon AIRKNITx boxer briefs; and a whopping $30 for one pair of 2(X)IST's graphic micro no-show trunk. Sexy, comfortable underwear doesn't have to break your budget, however. My secret is shopping the underwear section of Calvin Klein Clearance outlet stores – hard to come by, but you can locate them on the Simon Premium Outlets website – where I recently copped a dozen pair of butt-hugging, package-plumping, moisture-wicking boxer briefs for about $4 each.
2. Weddings
I recently attended a wedding that featured a pre-ceremony welcome reception followed by the ceremony followed by a post-ceremony cocktail hour followed by a seated dinner followed by dancing followed by an end-of-evening snack reception. An eight-hour affair that left me fat, angry and exhausted. Enough already. What happened to good old-fashioned eloping that didn't require anyone to give up their hard-earned lazy Saturday? My one resolution this year is to attend zero weddings. So far, so good.
3. Parents bringing their kids to breweries
Boy did I open a can of worms when I asked Facebook whether or not children should be allowed at breweries. Sides were taken; mud was slung. Unsurprisingly, most parents agreed that bringing children to family-friendly breweries was acceptable while those of us of higher evolution – the LGBTQ people and other non-breeders – thought it appropriate to dropkick anything under three-feet tall that came near our micro-IPAs.
4. Random people "accepting" who I am
How many times have you heard, "I just want to let you know I accept you"? Happened to me the other day at a restaurant while having a conversation with a perfect stranger after I told a story that included my boyfriend. I mean, I guess it's a nice sentiment, but also fuck you, Karen.
5. Politics on social media
Is it never not election season on social media? Republicans sharing wildly inaccurate information; democrats bitching, moaning and complaining about every perceived injustice under the sun. Ridiculous. Meanwhile, everybody's in debt while our elected officials laugh all the way to the bank. My advice? Hoard as much cash as you can and go off-grid. That's the only way you'll ever feel true peace and happiness.
6. Websites that advertise sold out items
I fall in love with an item that Instagram thinks I have to have just to be told that it's sold out when I try to put it in my cart. Why is it still live online if it's no longer in stock?? I understand why some people go on rampages now.
7. People crossing the street in green slow as fuck
You slow down because you're a decent human being and these ingrates move at a glacial pace and then have the nerve to look you right in the eye as they do it. Is it considered vehicular manslaughter if my foot slips?
8. Winter
Jesus Christ, January was long. If you hate winter as much as I do, take a February vacation. I'm a super fan of riding Amtrak because fares are affordable (especially with your tax refund), and you can easily travel to bright, mood-boosting destinations like New Orleans, Los Angeles, Orlando, and highly underrated San Antonio. Treat yo'self.
