by Dr. Toni Caretto
I was called "ma'am" and addressed (with my partner) as "ladies" within 24 hours of arriving in Berkeley, Calif., for the Gender Spectrum Family Conference, which took place Sept. 3-6.
"Will you ladies need help with your luggage?" we were asked.
I pay attention to these things because I am a Clinical Psychologist who works with gender-variant children and transgenders of all ages. I also noted these events because they occurred in the Bay Area, the "Gay Mecca," steeped in a tradition of tolerance and progressive politics.
Obviously the history of tolerance and liberal politics in the Bay Area has not created a culture that is any more gender sensitive than metro Detroit. The T in LGBT isn't really any more supported, integrated or embraced in California than it is in Michigan. We have failed as a gay rights movement and our failure is showing vis a vis the trans rights issue.
I was not in awe of the proliferation of gender-neutral bathrooms in the Bay Area because they were not evident. Gender Spectrum had to make "Unisex" signs to post on the bathrooms in the conference area because the facility chosen did not have gender-neutral bathrooms. Using data from http://www.safe2pee.org and the U.S. census verifies my perception: Though Berkeley has 27 gender neutral bathrooms, it is twice as densely populated as Ann Arbor, which has 32 gender neutral bathrooms.
I was also not in awe of the ease with which families in attendance were able to raise gender-variant children. Parents were hungry for knowledge, full of questions and expressed frustration at the lack of services and support in their communities. In the back of meeting rooms and during lunch, parents were often seen sitting close, talking and sometimes crying. A legacy of progressive politics did not spare parents on the west coast from having the same thoughts and emotions as families in the Midwest.
The fact that even the "Gay Mecca" doesn't "get" trans issues shows me that we are settling for being placated. Trans rights and gay rights are inseparable. A large percentage of gay men and women were gender non-conforming during childhood, and most hate crimes against gays and lesbians are because of their gender expression, not their sexual orientation. We have become more accepted by the majority culture as long as we act within expected norms.
While in Berkeley, National Public Radio presented a story titled "Becoming Miles: The Journey of Changing Sexes." Here's what some of the 475 comments made by NPR listeners had to say about the topic: "disgusting … sicko … a mental illness … accept God's will … chromosomes don't lie … mutilation … be gay or lesbian." National Public Radio. College-educated, liberal listeners.
What is evident to me in reading the comments is that to many Americans, biology is still used to frame destiny and that when one expresses themselves in a way which contradicts what is the norm, it is not well tolerated.
We as a movement have failed to help people understand that sex, gender, gender role expression and sexual orientation are distinct aspects of who we are. We have failed to get across the essence of the message of true acceptance of individual differences.
Our failure is perhaps clearest in pseudo-accepting statement "be gay or lesbian," in which we are taken back to a belief that sex of partner determines who we feel ourselves to be and what types of behaviors are then tolerable. It also assumes that to be gay or lesbian is different than being transgender. However, if the ultimate reason for hate crimes against gays and lesbians is because we transgress gender norms, then aren't gay rights issues really trans right issues? Until we ourselves embrace and advocate from this position, we will continue to be placated.
I don't want to called "ma'am" any more than I want to be asked about my husband. As Cynthia Eller explained in her book "Am I A Woman?": "I have no trouble acknowledging that I have an XX chromosome configuration and the sort of primary and secondary sex characteristics that are classified as female. But "woman" carries a lot more baggage than that. And I'm not allowed to accept the female classification without the baggage."
I can handle the luggage, just don't weigh me down with baggage.
