Parting Glances: Get thee to a seminary

Fans of Sr. Serena Scatterpin, Renegade Sisters of Mary, will be intrigued to know that the popular iconessa — who calls herself a "metrosexual for Heaven's sake" — says the inspiration source for her high-fashion life is "Lesbian Nuns Breaking Silence."
For those followers of sister's daring exploits — humbly recorded in this most secular of columns — who are under age 20 (but go to Confession), "Lesbian Nuns Breaking Silence" — herein re-christened "Unzipped Habits" — came out in 1985, published by Allyson Press, edited by ex-nuns Rosemary Curb and Nancy Manahan.
(Yes, beloved lay readers, there were nuns back in '85 — and quite a few in dozens of orders like RSM. Though sadly, for manufacturers of DKNY wimples and 12 inch rulers, their numbers have dwindled.)
At the time, "Unzipped Habits," greeted with a mixture of ecumenical wonderment and ecclesiastical shell shock, sold like hot-cross buns. (It's out of print, but if one diligently pursues the blessed byways of e-Bay, a copy may be had for a well-spent widow's mite of about $2.50. Many books carry pre-John Paul ll, wash-and-wear scapular bookmarks.)
"What with all the hullabaloo about weeding out gay seminarians from priesthood vocations, 'Nuns Breaking Silence,' oops, sorry: 'Unzipped Habits,' sort of even outs the picture — tidies things up a bit. I mean if you're going to knock up the seminarians, why not hit on the nuns as well. Fair's fair," says Sister.
During a recent tabloid interview — "National Inquisition" — Sr. Scatterpin spoke openly about the influence on her life of this holier-than-wow compendium of real-life stories about "special friendships," flagellation, mother superiors, rosary trysts — the trials and tribulations of nun-to-nun intimacy as would-be Sposa Christi ('sposa you do; 'sposa you don't). Sr. Scatterpin expressed sorrow for suspect seminarians about to do the Stations of the Cross-Examination.
"I happen to know these innocents lads will be subjected to a simple multiple choice questionnaire, and on the basis of their answers — like the Roman gladiators of old — get thumbs up or thumbs down. I'm breaking my vow of silence with an expose for these brothers who want a little peace in the pursuit of their calling." And so . . .
BENEDICTUS: As a service to BTL readers who may be thinking of going into a (R)ecovering (C)risis seminary, here, courtesy of Sr. Scatterpin, is ON BEING A BONA FIDE NON-GAY SEMINARIAN TEST. Candidates must answer the following multiple choice questions. (No finger crosses, please)
1. Your favorite comic as a Catholic kid: a) Little Lulu; b) Wonder Woman; c) Batman and Robin; d) Captain Marvel, Jr.
2. If relegated to Limbo, should you: a) flagellate yourself; b) do 2 million Hail Marys [careful!]; c) reflect on your celibate past; d) redecorate.
3. Which parish would you hope for: a) St. Pat's, New York; b) Sodom-by-the-Sea; c) West Hollywood; d) Ferndale; e) Somewhere close to your mom.
4. As a good Catholic, would you rather be: a) Joan of Arc; b) Sts. Sergius and/or Bacchus c) Pope Joan; d) St. Sebastian; e) Madonna.
5. Choose the best penance: a) sackcloth/ashes; b) locust/wild honey; c) bread/water; d) leather/chains.
6. Would you rather: a) have stigmata; b) bilocate; c) obtain ecstasy; d) turn water into cologne.
7. Favorite Bible couple: a) Samson/Delilah; b) Jonathan/David; c) Adam/Steve, opps, Eve; d) Cain/Abel.
8. Pretend you're a Notre Dame football player. Chose your position: a) tight end; b) rear guard; c) third base; d) cheer leader.
Pax vobiscum! (Pronounced "packs" not "pox.")