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Parting Glances: The Mind Boggles Dep’t.

By | 2018-01-16T01:30:42-05:00 March 20th, 2008|Opinions|

In case there are Parting Glances readers who somehow didn’t come across this curious AP newswire item, here are three paragraphs. Believe them or not.
“WICHITA, Kansas – Deputies say a woman in western Kansas became stuck on her boyfriend’s toilet after sitting on it for two years.
“Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old woman’s skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.
“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body,” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”
Obviously she’s anal retentive!
And this from Fortean Times, a monthly dealing with oddball anomalies, one of the few magazines I read religiously from cover to cover. (If some damn fool straight bimbo can sit on a toilet for two years, there’s no reason why the following, equally far-fetched but true, can’t occur.)
Headlined, “A miracle on 66th Street”. Two paragraphs suffice. “Window cleaner Alcides Moreno, 37, survived a fall of 47 storeys when a platform he and his brother were using on Solow Tower (New York’s Upper East Side) broke free and fell to the ground on 7 December.
“He awoke from a coma on Christmas Day and spoke to his wife, Rosario.”
Were there to be a write-in contest for his first words to his wife, I’d submit: “As they say on opening night, Honey, Break a leg!” (Alcides suffered a collapsed lung, bleeding on the brain, and a shattered vertebra. His head injuries “were relatively minor.” He initially received 24 pints of blood. His brother, unfortunately, wasn’t lucky.)
Equally unique, perhaps – and delightfully out of the ordinary – is a profile about border collie, Betsy. She features in this month’s National Geographic, in a story entitled “Inside Animal Minds.” (Her eagerly intelligent face brightens the cover. I’m sure any lesbian dog-lover would be delighted to adopt her.) Here’s her claim to near-human fame.
“Six-year-old ‘Betsy’ can put names to objects faster than a great ape, and her vocabulary is at 340 words and counting. Her smarts showed early: At ten weeks she would sit on command and was soon picking up on names of items and rushing to retrieve them — ball, rope, paper, box, keys, and dozens more.
“She now knows at least 15 people by name, and in scientific tests proved she’s skilled at linking photographs with the objects they represent.”
Mind-boggling too, considering the holier-than-thou source – Christianity Today’s “Inside CT” editorial is this (shared in stark contrast to the aforementioned intelligent canine behavior). Topic: “Porn’s Stranglehold.” (Hold your breath. Keep in mind: Actual Human Vocabulary Index: slightly above Lassie-go-home! demarcation, with group specie recognition limited strictly to errant bipedal, non-shedding, sheep-herding fundygelicals.)
“Don’t assume that porn isn’t a problem in the church. One evangelical leader was skeptical of survey findings that said 50 percent of Christian men have looked at porn recently. So he surveyed his own congregation. He found that 60 percent had done so in the past year, and 25 percent in the past 30 days.”
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. What’s this wicked old world coming to?
Laughing Buddha say: Those who fall big time from grace no better off than those who go on two legs to dogs. Best wipe record clean. Get off pot. Stop pointing stinky finger at neighbor’s dirty laundry list. (Or, something mind-boggling like that.)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander