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Parting Glances: Butter on both sides

Ever since I was a teen – a curiously long time ago – I've tried to bring balance to my reading when it comes to subjects of a religious, occult, or scientific nature.
(Porn mags require little balance. I suspect the recumbent positioning of one's spine may have some thing to do with it; tho' lubrication I'm told is good for one's equilibrium – among other things – alone or in supporting groups of three or four.)
Yes, every issue has two sides, and it behooves one to consider both. (By the way, when were you last behooved? Was it in public or private? Were you channel surfing? Or, watching Judge Judy? As behoovers go, she's among the best. Oprah's not too far behind.)
Take belief for example. Fundamentalism specifically. By balancing my guilt-driven Southern Baptist tendencies at 18 with a revealing read of Thomas Paine's classic "The Age of Reason" and Robert Ingersoll's thought provoking "Mistakes of Moses", I skirted a lot of biblical silliness (including onanism causes blindness, hairy palms, and retractable – but orthodontically correctable – overbite).
Those who are regular PG readers (my e-mails indicate there are about a dozen loyal fans, including five from "gay free" Hamtramck), know that if anything can be said of me – including, as my column picture shows, I'm handsome and authoritatively virile – it's that I'm fair, open to adjudicating both sides of a question. (By the way, when were you last adjudicated? On one or two sides?)
Having said as much, here's a brief sharing of a new book that was left on my doorstep as Easter season drew to it 1975th still-optimistic close, in spite of Iraq. The book by a Ms Fannie Faithsave (formerly J. Rocco Scrimshaw) is titled, "Having My Cake. Eating It, Too: From Ex-Gay to Tax-Exempt Millionaire" (Doxology Press, 2008.)
I'm sure Ms Fannie Faithsave's magnum opus will do well without publicity I might give to it on BTL's sacrosanct editorial page. Truth of the matter is that everybody loves to read about reprobates who sin, see "the light," become typical human beings who pay inheritance taxes, live in $300,000 ranch homes with weed-free gardens, and have coco-brown cockapoos who "rarely if ever bark menacingly at neighbors".
As Rocco, Ms Fannie was 4F deadbeat. Here's from the Introduction: "I lied that I had a Princeton MBA, that I was a 32nd Degree Mason who adored Cher. I said I was a friend of Elvis, a regular guest at Graceland. Actually, I wrote over 200 bad checks to impress GOP coworkers. I got my kicks by turning in fire alarms at odd hours of uncontrolled, intoxicated casino gambling bouts. I verbally abused Fed-Ex drivers.
"But worst of all – I shudder to admit it – I was a homosexual basket case. And sadly, when I wasn't walking dim-lighted streets in wobbly high heels, I was home knitting socks for jail inmates. And, when I went to sordid lifestyle bars I found myself just a bottom among bottoms. I even sipped drinks from plastic straws.
"Finally I found Heavenly Hope for Homos, Inc., and became hopeful. I did 90 meetings each month for 90 months. I clocked 1500.3 hours of reasonably quality celibacy, participated in 601 jointly held citywide sessions (with lots of rubber band wrist snappers), when unexpectedly heaven zapped me one coffee hour. Rocco! Get truly decaf for Jesus! Go pipingly hot straight for salvation! Long story short. My sex-change operation was a success.The rest is herstory. $19.95 a copy. 398 pages. Fags to riches. Unabridged." [The book, not author Ms Fannie.]

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