By Anthony Paull
The whole gay bar scene is so last hunting season, so last herpes breakout and so utterly obvious that I can't help but find it quite a snore lately. Yes, yes, yes! Been there, done that, got the scars, got the scabs and now – feeling dangerous – I'm onto this whole new thing the local folk refer to as the hetero bar.
Yes, the elusive hetero bar!
Spoken of in only small, hushed circles, such a secret place does exist, I tell you! Yes, and during the season of the falling leaves, local sexy hetero males, they come in droves, in search of beer, babes and the ball game.
Well, wait 'til they get a load of me, I think.
Yes, it's late Saturday night and I'm adding some glitter to my usual batter by flattering my straight friends with my presence.
Yes, me and one of my gay boys, we're so now, so modern, so utterly desperate for a sad cheap thrill, we decide to descend upon the straight bar like sprinkles on spaghetti. True, technically it does sound like a bad mix, but who can turn away a dab of sugar? Sweetener goes with everything!
So the plan is simple, mind you. Make a quiet, yet somewhat provocative entrance and then turn the table on them! Yes, you see there is an ulterior motive in mind, but isn't there always, really? I know. It sounds kind of awful, but it's not like I'm the only soul here for more than meets the eye. These straight girls, the ones with big hairspray hair, the ones wearing Prada heels and screaming at the big football man on TV, do you actually think they give a rat's ass who wins? Place these same straight girls in front of the big screen without the boys and the booze, and let me know how long it takes before we have an ADHD moment.
So in sum, the girls are here for the boys and the booze.
The boys are here for the tits and the TV.
And I'm here for the entertainment.
Here I am, eyeing the whole crowded bar – smoky with cigarettes and Peter Pan youth – like I'm a few IQ points short of understanding out how it's all really supposed to work. Are those boys kissing girls? What's with this Jethro Tull song on the old jukebox? Does anyone have the foggiest idea what bathroom I'm supposed to use? Wait! Did you see that? Oh, hells no! There are … GIRLS (breathe, breathe, pause, pause) in the fucking GIRLS room!
Now, picture me with that vacuous-yet-slightly-concerned look on my face, like the kind that most straight guys get when they enter a gay bar. Yes, you know the look! There's a bead of sweat forming everywhere, and now I'm trying really hard not to make a big deal out of the fact that every girl here is desperate to grab my tight ass. Yes, they want me.
I'm convinced they require some Grade A homo meat – a rare, yet quite tasty treat in these parts. Still, I don't want to give them the wrong impression. So I'm glued to my gay friend like lint. After all, I have a reputation to uphold, thank you. What would my family think? Penis: That is what I like! Oh, what to do? What to do?
Wait, I know!
Alcohol will make it better, I convince myself. So I start to pour beer down my throat, and then, my gay friend and me, we're suddenly in this conversation with all these really nice straight guys. It's all so US Weekly. They ask questions! They shop at boutique stores! They offer to buy beer for you! They have feelings!
Instead of fighting us for admiring the male form, they want to know what we like about boys. Is it their butt, brains or brawn? And when we answer, they form no judgment. In fact, they sort of understand it.
Hold on! Wait a minute! I'm at a loss. Here I'm expecting heavy grunting, mass burping, and bra burning (well, maybe not, but it would be fun), but all that comes from these straight guys is kindness. Is this the youth of today? And if so, why aren't we celebrating? We're continually bombarded by the media with awful rants regarding how lazy, self-absorbed, and arrogant the poor American youth of today are.
And OK, that's fine. We'll take that. But as this night has pointed out, we're also the most questioning bunch you'll ever meet. We're different because technology permits us knowledge with just a fast click of a computer key. We've come to know how important love is in any form and how the world needs more of it.
We're fed up with prejudice. We've learned from our parents' mistakes, and we no longer run from the unknown; we seize it. And with some hope, one day the separation of gays and straights at the local bar will be as inconceivable as the segregation of classrooms in the 1960s. So go on, laugh at the gay boys hanging at the local straight bar. Just remember: We're not there for sex; we're there to make a change.
