I feel remiss to the many PG fans of Sr. Serena Scatterpin, Renegade Sisters of Mary, who've sent worrywart e-mails about her absence from these too-frequently-secular columns.
Over the years Recovering Catholics – which seems to be just about everyone of importance in Ferndale – have looked expectantly to the good nun-in-exile for inspiration, tips on gracious living, advice on high fashion dress with low-budget articulations.
(Note: The dozen "American Beauty" roses sent by Lipstick Lesbians for Jesus – L24J – for Sister's 39th recyclable birthday were appreciated. Unfortunately they arrived here wilted; thorns intact. BTL staff – most of whom are recovering from something or other – are sure no untoward message was intentioned.)
Fr. Peter B. Manly e-mails us that Sr. Scatterpin was recently chosen Most Admired Recovering Catholic of 2009 by Halos, Habits & Hoods magazine. (Fr. Manly's the much-beloved playboy priest who spends six weeks of each fiscal year as Sister's Church Latin-speaking, traveling consort to Europe's fashion capitals.)
"Surprisingly," jubilates Fr. Manly from Rome, "the selection – made by a cross section of RC pros in art, music, literature, interpretive clerical drag – was for Sister's concocting of a refreshing strategy to assure LGBT underachievers entrance into a gay-friendly afterlife.
"It wasn't for her efforts for fashion enhancement for the masses (no pun intended). It's for the salvation of her multitude of gay 'flockers,' as she lovingly calls her cherished lost sheep of rainbow persuasion."
Along with Fr. Manly's e-mail is a PDF copy of an article from the Italian weekly, "Il Supposa de Gaibladea Moonmidata." He kindly provides papal translation. Headline (loosely translated): Are gays getting too little – 'una piccolotta' – St. Peter?
(Article edited for BTL space-saving considerations. Nihil Obstat. Nothing objectionable. Imprimatur. Sr. Lesbeaubien Thompson, Center Slaves of the B.V.M.) It reads …
"Sr. Serena Scatterpin, controversial Recovering Catholic from the tiny American province of Michigan, today made news when she was escorted reluctantly from St. Peter's by a platoon of Vatican Swiss Guards. Her protocol breach: heretical suggestions made to cardinals peacefully blessing pigeons – 'pidgeonolas' – in the sunshine.
"The renegade nun, dressed in an Eve St. Lowrent spring frock, accented by a St. Neiman of Marcus wash-and-wear wimple, spoke candidly of her angelic idea to ensure that gays gets into Heaven. 'Prontola.'
"There are dozens of paths," she says. "Many at odds with each other. Why not combine all into one big package deal? A Unified Grand Cosmic Insurance Plan. Sort of Spiritual Bingo. Only go for the cover all. 'Bingolata!'
"Take baptism. Get sprinkled. Then get dunked. Have a Mormon proxy baptism. (Should you die suddenly, get baptized for the dead – namely, yourself.) Do a Trinitarian submersion. Followed by a Jesus-Only Pentecostal river power dip.
"Believe Jesus is Alpha Almighty, as well as – taking a page from Unitarians – Omega Good Guy down on his Jewish luck. Be a theocratic switch hitter! 'Bitextuola.'
"Go to church on Sunday. Like Seventh Day Adventists do, go to church on Saturday. Keep the Ten Commandments. (There are four Jewish versions – choose two; observe three.) Go for Grace. Talk predestination. Start speaking in tongues. Ask Berlitz to package a video course.
"Take communion pass around and one-on-one Eucharist at the altar rail. (Good Housekeeping decorated, of course.) Take wine. Take grape juice. Take dipped wafer. Do oven-baked shredded matzos. Repent before confession. Sin after. Get saved quarterly. Do all holy days of obligation. Eat fish on Fridays. Tithe a tenth. Give your widow's mite. Be born again, but get your ID registration punched weekly. 'Savedola.'
"It's complicated, to be sure. But, as no-fault insurance, it sure beats hell out of the alternative."
(P.S. get freshly baked and blessed matzos at St. Anne of Avalonola MoTowna Bakery. Ciao!)
