Parting Glances: Round peg, square whole

By |2018-01-16T04:49:11-05:00August 5th, 2010|Opinions|

A major evangelical outreach – Send Our Denominations Out Ministering (S.O.D.O.M.) – is “thrilled with the unprecedented success” of its buddy-buddy approach to changing “Satanically bent” gays into God’s straight shooters.
The Summer 2010 Issue of “Gay-No-Morah!” editorially boasts, “Our mission to confused, sexually addicted, unsaved, morally obtuse, degenerate, line-dance-crazed, party 24/7, homospecials is paying big dividends spiritually (and financially), as indicated by our July Done & Broadstreet, CPA-verified listing of ex-gay cures.
“SODOM applauds (hallelujah!) – thanks to generous donations from British & American Airways Luggage Carriers for Jesus, Ass’n. – the 5,600 former homospecial abominables who abandoned a disgraceful lifestyle choice, got down on their calloused knees before God, and obeyed His divinely mandated, original “be fruitful and multiply” command of hardline genital dissemination.
“We SODOM reparative therapists, ministers (and certainly our choir directors – too long disabused by rumors of – might one say on the midweek testimonial QT – a musicality contrary nature), welcome into the born-again fold these lavender sheep ready for a long-overdue shearing, tho’ Mosaic Law neutering is what they deserve.
“It’s time for America to realize, sexually – economically – biblically speaking: You can’t put a square peg in a round hole. Conversely, a round peg in a square hole. Holy Holistics! To use a vulgar expression homospecials understand, it sucks.
“As homospecials are in so many ways responsible for America’s ongoing economic depression – and, one might add, BP oil spill, Afghanistan War, 3-D Shrek movies, Lady Gaga and Betty White – our present fiscal year gay cure rate is smashing.
“Watch for Dow Jones to get it on! Googol to kick some sarsaparilla, Sarah Palin to replace Larry King. (Or, Whoopi Goldberg.) America’s on the mend, one homospecial at a time.”
Truth of the matter, gentle PG reader, is SODOM’s buddy-buddy system is “drop-dead, right-on working.” Statistics don’t lie. Liberals may fudge; but fundygelicals (one hand on a Scofield Bible) are Second-Class Scout Honor bound to be truthful. (Ask AG Cox.) Here’s statistics from SODOM’s website:
“As of 2009, there are an estimated 250,025 homospecials. (150,025, in San Francisco; 60,000, in New York City; 35,000, in St. Lake City, and – shocking to admit – 5,000, in typical, suburban Ferndale, Mich.). The 5,600 buddy-buddy cures is a big whopper of 40 to 50 percent (depending on which understaffed media we report findings to.)”
SODOM-endorsed buddy-buddy RT is scripturally sanctioned. It has biblical precedence. The first disciples were admonished to get off “two by two,” dusting sandaled feet in any town not welcoming them. (Mormon missionaries spin bike tires. Or flash their sacred undergarments.)
However, the SODOM system is – contrary to blowing its own evangelical horn – not something brand new. Nor is it the result of quote-unquote “divine inspiration.” Rather, it’s frequently an important part of 12-step programs.
In a nutshell: Those experienced 12-steppers become buddies to those inexperienced. These longevity “tops” – called sponsors – pair off with those ranking as “bottoms” (figuratively speaking). It seems to work. One step at a time.
Take Dieters Anonymous (popularity second to SODOM’s program). Once a bond is established between reasonably thin sponsor and heavyweight newbie, the former may recommend direct-action strategy – like tying the 350-pounder’s hands behind his back ’til hunger pangs subside. (A week usually does the trick.)
In gay-centered SODOM programs, the “top” (again, term of convenience) keeps the “bottom” (ditto!) in line; but, in fairness to other 12-step traditions, the adjustment period’s longer. Ex-gay pairs live together “as helpmates” for months on end as they adjust to a jointly-shared – but religiously acceptable – new sexual personas. True missionary positioning.
“Buddy helping buddy to overcome.” In 36 months average they’ll be ready for the real thing. Pegging that fits. One lay, er, day at a time. (Ah-men!)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander